Healing with Humor VII
Walking down the streets of
Taxco, Pancho spied his friend, Jose, who was smiling broadly.
"Jose, amigo," said Pancho, "why are you so happy?"
"Ees love, amigo," beamed Jose. "Ees to get married."
"Aha!" reponded Pancho. "Ees nice.
Who is the lucky senorita?"
"Carmen del Valle"
Pancho's face clouded. "You don't want to
marry Carmen del Valle. Ees no good."
Jose's eyes were daggers, "Why
"Amigo, she's make love weeth every man in Taxco."
"Si," replied Jose with a shrug, "But
Taxco is such a leetle town."
A poor farmer had two sons that he
could not afford to send to college. To the first he said,
"I will pay your way
if you promise to pay the way of your brother when you
finish. I can't pay for both of you. You can
work and I will pay his if you
don't want to promise. The son replied, "Oh, I will
promise." But when he was through college and his
younger brother was ready to
go, he told his younger brother that he would not pay. He said,
"I don't have anything in common with you all anymore."
So the younger son went to work and later his father died.
He called his older brother and told him of the death. The
replied, "I am not coming, I don't have anything in common with
you. You can take care of it all."
But in the night his
conscience got to him and the next day he called and told his
brother, "Get him the best suit
you can find and bury him in it and send the bill to
me." OK, the younger agreed.
A week after the funeral the
older brother received a bill for $200,00. Two weeks after the
funeral another bill came for
$200.00. Three weeks after another bill for
$200.00. After the 4th week, the older brother called to
find out about the bills.
The younger replied, "Oh, well, you told me to get the best suit
I could find, so I rented him a Tux."
A big, mean lion met a monkey in the
The lion pounced on the poor monkey and asked, "Who is king of
The frightened monkey replied, "You are, O might lion." So the
lion let him go.
The next animal the lion met was a
zebra. He pounced on it and roared, "Who is the king
of the jungle?" The frightened
zebra replied, "You are, O mighty lion." So the lion let him go.
The lion next met an alaphant and asked the same
question. The elephant grabbed the lion, twirled him around
and threw him
50 feet into the air. and came down with a bang. The lion
picked himself up and huffed, "Just because you don't know the
answer there is no reason to get rough."
An overweight man decided it was time to shed
some excess pounds. He took his new died seriously, even changing
his driving route to
avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at
work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. He was scolded
by his friends at work
but he had a reply for them. "This is a very special
coffeecake. I accidently drove by the bakery this morning
and there in the window
was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I
prayed, "Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious
let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery."
"And sure enough," he continued, the eighth
time around the block, there it was."
In some of the outlying areas of British Columbia,
Canada, farmers have been plagued with wolves killing their livestock.
Meetings have been held with farmers, environmentalists and concerned
citizens in a move to solve the problem. The majority of the local
people favored shooting or poisoning the marauding wolves. At one
meeting a women strode to the microphone, listed her impressive
credentials and explained her solution. "Vasectomy is the
answer," she thundered. "Simply trap the wolves humanely,
neuter the males and
One grizzled old sheep farmer rose to his
feet, "Ma'am," he said in a gruff voice, "no
disrespect meant, you bein' an expert, but them
wolves are killin' my sheep, not making love to 'em."
Scholars recently traved the origin of the
expression, "Hurrah for our side." It was first said
by the crowds lining the
street when Lady Godiva made her famous ride sidesaddle through the
streets of Coventry.
A LITTLE MIXED
Just a line to
say I'm living--
That I'm not among the dead.
getting more forgetful,
And more mixed up in the head.
For sometimes I can't remember
When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
If I must go up for something
Or if I've just
come down from there.
And before the
"frig" so often
My poor mind is
filled with doubt,
Have I just put the food
Or have I come
to take it out?
And then-whe it
is dark out
With my night cap on
I don't know if
getting out of bed.
SO,if it is my
turn to write you,
There's no need of getting sore.
I may think
that I have written,
And don't want to be a bore.
that I love you,
And I wish that you were here.
But now it's
nearly mail time
So I'll say "Goodbye my Dear"...
There I stood
beside my mail box
mailing you my letter
With a face so very red,
I had opened it
There's a story going
the rounds about a new baby who was born grinning from ear to ear and
wouldn't stop smiling.
Finally the doctor, who had never seen anything like this before called
in some of his colleagues to have a look. One of the
them noticed that the baby had his right hand cluched into a fist, so
he reached down and opened it. Inside the hand was---The Pill.
A hat was
passed around a certain congregation for the purpose of taking up a
collection for the visiting minister. Presently it was returned to
him--emphatically and embarrassingly empty. Slowly and
deliverately the person inverted the hat and shook it meaningly.
Then raising his
eyes to high heaven, he exclaimed fervently: "I thank thee,
dear Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
During a hot
spell in New York, a panhandler collapsed on the street.
Immediately, a crowd gathered and began offering suggestions.
"Give the poor man a drink of whiskey," a little old lady
said. "Give him some air," said several men.
"Give him a drink of whiskey," said the old lady.
"Get him to a hospital," someone suggested. "Give him a
drink of whiskey," said the old lady. The
babble continued until all at once
the victim sat up. "Will you all shut up and listen
to the little old lady." he hollered.
A man arrived in Egypt and went to
Hertz Rent-a-camel and headed out into the
desert. On the third day out the camel sat down under
him and would not get up.
There is a caravan coming by and he tells them to see
office and send help. Soon a jeep roars out across the sand
with oversized tires and
comes to a stop. The driver jumps out, walks
around the camel, looks in its mouth and concludes, ":got plenty
of hay, " and then he feels the hump
of the camel and concludes "got plenty of
water." At that he kicked the camel hard in the
side, the camel burped right big, and the driver declared,
"just as I thought, vapor lock."
A man down in Arkansas had hogs and one of
them was run over the the Rock Island Railroad train.
The man wrote the railroad and asked for
damages to his hog. He wrote:
My razor back strolled on your track a
week ago today.
Your twenty-nine came down the line and
snuffed his life away.
You can't blame me, the hog you
see, strolled thru a cattle gate.
So kindly pin me a check for
ten that debt to liquidate.
The roadroad company had a clerk who tried to write love letters
to his girl and they assigned him the letter to answer. He wrote
Our twenty-nine came down the line and
killed your hog we know.
But razor backs on railroad tracks
quite often meet with woe.
Therefore, my friend, we cannot send
the check for which you pin,
Just bury the dead, write o'er his
head, here lies a foolish swine.
There were some students arguing over the difference
between agitation, aggravation, and frustration. Finally
one student declared, ":I will show you
the diffference. He pick a random phone number, dialed it,
and when the man aswered, the student asked, "Is
Brewster there?" The man said "no."
The student said, "that's agitation." He dialed
the same number again and asked, "Is Brewster there?" The
man screamed into the phone,
"I told y ou Brewster is not here." The student
declared, "now that's aggravation." He
dialed the same number again and said, "I'm Brewster,
have you had any phone calls for me." Then he
declared, "now that's frustration."
Back in the
days when the term "beatnik" was used, there were a couple of
them walking in Central Park, NY. A bumble bee got up
one of their legs and he started jumping and gyrating on
the lawn. The other one hollered to him, "Man, I can't hear
the music, but go man go!:
salesman was staying at a hotel where there was a sign: "No
Eating in the Room." He had walked by a deli
saw the most delicious looking limberger cheese. He loved
limberger cheese and decided to buy some to sneak into his
After eating his fill he didn't know what to do with the leftover
cheese. Looking around he saw the flower pot
and lefted the plant out
of it and put the cheese in the bottom. Two weeks later he
received a letter from the hotel which said: "Alright, we give
up. Where did you put it?"
At the 20th reunion of the graduating
class of the Business school all the former students
were wondering what happened to Goerge who
barely made it through school to graduation. To
everyone's surprise he pulled in driving a new Cadilac,
wearing a 500.00 suit and really looked
great and prosperous. This piqued everyone's
curiosity. What did he do? How did he
succeed? Finally, one of his favorite professors
asked him confidentially, "George, how did you become so
wealthy?" George replied, "I found a product
that I could make for a dollar, and sell for
five dollars, and the 4 percent profit made me rich."
There was as
beauty contest in Dallas, Tx. The second runner
up got an all expense trip to Oklahoma City for two
weeks. The first runner up
got an all-expense trip to Oklahoma City for one week. The winner
didnt't have to go.
There was a Texas Aggie and a Japanese man in a bar. After
drinking for a while they got into an argument and the
Aggie suggested they go out in the alley and settle the
issue. A moment or two in the alley and the Aggie
heard and felt
a wop,wop, and he was on the ground looking up at the Japanese
fellow. "What was that?" asked the Aggie.
"Tokyo Black Belt 2001" was the reply. A
few nights later the two were back at the same bar and after a
got into an argument. The Japanese fellow suggested
they step out in the alley to settle the argument.
After a minute or so in the alley, the sound of wop,
wop, and the Japanese fellow was on the ground looking up
at the Aggie, asking, "What was that?" The
Aggie replied, "Western Auto Tire Tool, $4.98"
The golfer had been having a terrible time. First he sliced his
ball into some bushes, then into a trap, then across
a highway. Finally, he hit it deep into the woods. He went
looking for the ball, but couldn't find it. "Why not forget it?"
"No way," said the golfer, "That was my lucky
were walking down the street when they see a priest approaching.
The priest had his arm in a cast. One Aggie stopped him
and asked, "Father, what happned to your
arm?" "Oh, I slipped and fell in the
bathtub," the priest replied.
Happy with the answer, the Aggies continued on their
way. After a while, one Aggie turns to his friend and asks
, "What's a bathtub?"
The other Aggie shruggs, "How
should I know? I'm not Catholic."
A rather large woman went into the
department store and approached a male salesman
who was rather bow-legged. The woman
asked where she could find talcum powder. The
salesman said, "Walk this way please." She
replied, "If I could walk that way I would
need talcum powder."
A little boy
is walking down the street, and he's got his little yellow dog on his
leash. Up in front of the hotel is this great big guy
and he bragging about his big, ferocious dog. He says,
"Man, I've got the meanest dog in the world. I raised him on gun
powder. No other
dog would dare challenge him." While he is bragging he sees the
kid coming down the street with his dog. He said, "I'm going to
sic Tiger on that
little yellow dog." He took the leash off, took the muzzle
off, and let Tiger go. Just as he was about to pounce on
the yellow dog, the
yellow dog opened his jaws and ate Tiger, leash, collar and
all. "Hey, little boy," said the man, "What kind of
dog is it you got there?"
The little boy replied, "Well, before I cut off his tail and
pained him yellow, he was an alligator."
A man and his
wife were on the elevator which was full to capacity, but the elevator
stopped at a floor and a very
pretty curvaceous young girl got on and pushed her way right toward the
husband. He noticed that she was very shapely and as she
snuggled toward him he was practically breathing down her
neck. Just then she turned and slapped him very hard and as
elevator stopped she left in a huff saying, " that you teach you to go
round pinching people."
Terribly embarrassed and flushing with a red face he
got off the first chance he could and turning to his wife, he said,
"Honey, I didn't pinch her." She said, in reply, "Yes, I
know you didn't. I did.!"
A guy is
taking his first golf lesson and he asked the golf pro,
"Well, what do I do?" The pro points to the hole 400
yards away and says, "Hit the ball as far down the fairway as you
can." The guy proceeds to hit the ball 398 yards, two yards
from the cup. The golf pro gives him a funny look and they get in
the cart and drive down to the ball. then the guy asks,
"What do I do now?" The pro says, "Well, now you putt
little ball in that little cup over there." The guys says,
"Why didn't you tell me that when we were back there?"
Someone was explaining how national health care
would work. There would be great medical centers, maybe ten
stories high and big
like the pentagon building, scattered all over the country.
If a member of society had a pain in his side he would enter one of
these centers. When he got there he would find a flock of doors
labeled, Heart, Lungs, Appendicitis and the like.
This feller, figuring he might have appendicitis, would enter the
Appendicitis door. It would open into a hallway with two doors
marked Male and Female. He would enter the door marked Male and
it would open on another hallway with two doors marked Married and
Single. Him being a family man he would entered the Married door.
This would open out on another hallway with two doors marked Tax-payer
and Non-taxpayer. On account of him owning a little property, he
would enter the Taxpayer door. This door would open out in
another hallway with two doors marked Democrat and
Republican. This feller being an Independent but leaning a little
toward the Republican side would enter the Republican door--and fall 10
stories into an alley."
There was once
a brave old Indian chief who had three brave sons. Winter was
rapidly approaching and the tribe was badly in need of food and
supplies. He summoned
them all together and said, "My sons, I want you to go in quest
of provisions. Broken Arrow, you head northeast; Running Deer,
you go southwest, and Fallen
Rock, you go in many directions.
Several moons went by, and Broken Arrow returned
with abundant food. Runnin Deer returned, soon after, with much
clothing and other supplies.
The other brother, legend has it, never returned. To this day, he
has not been found, but they still search for him. And that is
why, wherever one
goes, you can still see signs that say, "Watch out for Fallen
days of the old west a man came from the old country with
his wife and daughter. They had hard times and decided that
the West was
not for them. So Isaac's wife went back east to
find a place for them to live while Isaac sold his
business and prepared to go.
He sold the business for $500.00 and he and his
daughter Rebecca headed east across the Plains to join his wife.
As they were going a bandit rode up and robbed
them. The man and his daughter were standing there
watching the bandit make off with
the loot. He turned to his daughter and tearfully said,
"Ah Rebecca, my daughter, I am a ruined man. The bandit
took my horse and buggy and my 500.00
and I am ruined." "But Papa," she said, ":the
bandit did get your 500.00 where upon she took it out of her mouth
where she had it hidden."
And the old man was heard to say, "Ah, Rebecca, my
daughter, if only your mother had been here, we could have saved
the horse and buggy."
was explaining the difference between a psychotic and a
neurotic. A psychotic thinks two plus two is
four, but he is not sure.
A neurotic knows that two plus two equals four, but it makes him
A lawyer named
Strange was asked by a friend what he would like to have
inscribed on his tombstone. "Just put, 'Here lies an
honest lawyer,' he said
"But," said the friend, "that doesn't tell who it is."
"Certainly it does," the lawyer argued, "People will look
it and exclaim, "That's Strange."
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice
willing to work hard at a low pay for long hours. The
smith immediately began his
instructions to the lad. "When I take the shoe out of the
fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you
hit it with the hammer.
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he is the village
Sam Jones had
a serious liver ailment and went to the best doctor in his city for an
operation. Shortly after he came out of the anesthetic the
visited him in his hospital room to check up. "How does your side
feel?" he asked cheerily.
"Oh, my sides' all right," Jones croaked. "But
I have a terrible pain in my throat. What's wrong with it?"
"Well," signed the doctor, ":I guess I will have to
tell you. You see, I operate in that big amphitheater, and
it's a very tense situation with all
eyes watching every cut and stitch."
"Now, yours was a most unusual case--some doctors
never see it in a lifetime. It was a long procedure, nearly two
hours. But luck was with
me, and my hand was steady. I had a perfect result.
"When it was over and I stood back from the table,
the amphitheater burst into applause. The medical students stood
on their feet and cheered.
In fact, the acclaim was so deafening and went on for so long,
Jones, that--well--I took out your tonsils for an encore."
Ole went on a
shopping trip and bought a 200 piece jigsaw puzzle. Finally,
after working on it every night for two weeks, the puzzle was
finished. He called Sven over to see it.
"Look what I have done." Sven commented on how beautiful it was
and asked, "How long did it take you to do it?"
"Only two weeks," Ole replied. Sven commented, " never
done a puzzle myself, is two weeks fast?"
Ole replied, "Darn right it is. Look on the box. It
says "from two to four years."
A 10 year old boy was looking out the window at a bowlegged man
walking down the sidewalk. He called, "Hey, Ma, ain't
funny looking bowlegged man?" His mother, being an English
teacher, and wanting proper English spoken at home, gave him a
of Shakespeare and told him to go to room and read it to learn to speak
A few days later, the same bow-legged man was
walking down the street, and he shouted out, "Behold,
Mater, what manner of
men be these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
A lady was
checking out her new house under construction. She
went from room to room with the contractor giving details.
In the bedroom she indicated the paint color that she
wanted and the contractor scribbled down some notes. He
then went to the
window, raised it, and hollered out "Green Side
Up." They went to the living room and she again gave
details of her expectations and
after jotting down notes, he went to another window, raised
it, and hollered out "Green Side Up."
This was a little frustrating for the
women and she begin to tell of her concern for the efficiency of
the contractor. You jot down stuff and go
to the window yelling Green Side Up. "Oh," he
replied, "don't let that bother you. I have a couple
of Aggies laying sod."
Some people from Asia have
trouble pronouncing the "r" sound in
English. A Korean came to LA and
went to a
Greek cafe. He took his regular table
and when the owner came over to wait on him, he would
say, "I want one
bowl of flied lice." (fried rice) This happened
often and one day the old Greek decided he had had
enough. So he told the Korean
that he should learn English. I came from the old country
and I learned English. I don't want you coming here again
ordering "flied lice" So the Korean
didn't come for a long time, One day he came in, and sat at the
The old Greek went over to him and said "May I help
you?" The Korean said clearly, I want one bowl
of fried rice, you "clazy gleek."
abound in Texas. Even students have published jokes on
their own. One favorite is a football game between
Texas and A and M. It was at the Cottonbowl at
Dallas. After a good time in the game a
jet flew over and caused a sonic boom.
The Texas team thought the canon went off for
half-time and they ran off the field. In four more
plays the Aggies made a touchdown.
Kyle field is where the Aggies play football
at home, and they had to put down artificial turf to
keep the home coming queen from grazing.
A man encouraged his wife, a neophyte golfer, to
enter a woman's golf tournament, but he demurred, saying, "All
that exercise is too tiring."
It was suggested that she rent an electric golf cart. She returned the
first evening completely exhausted. "Do you mean you rode
in a cart all
day and you're still tired?" he asked. She looked her
husband square in the eye and said, "Have you ever gotten
in and out of a
cart 156 times?
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his
father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said
he'd make a deal
with his son.
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study
your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, and we'll talk about
the car." The boy
thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and
they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real
proud. You brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been
your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible
that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and
there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?"
new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to
his repe ated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on
the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed t he following Sunday, he found that
his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid
for I was naked."
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer
guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away,
I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An,
ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Harold.............
A man who had a pilot's
license was having his annual physical for renewing his license.
In the doctor's office he was told to read the
eye chart on the wall. "Read the bottom line if you
can." "I can't read it." "Well read the one above
that." He could not read any of them
and was told to read the Big E. "Which chart?" he
asked. The doctor said, "You are terribly near-sighted. How
in the world have you
been able to fly the plane?" "Well," he said, "I
always take a passenger with me. I can see the control
panels very well. I can make out the
broad outline of the runway and I get up air
speed and take off. When I am air borne I
turn on the radio to where I want to go
and fly by radio until I can see the broad outline of the runway
below. Then I nose the plan down until my passenger
and then I level out."
hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk
their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shake s her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
T he hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks
to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver'
I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a
guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he
yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen
says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy
in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a
customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his
car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his
car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the
Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he
pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps
on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"
husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had
went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to
stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with
a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a
therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one
night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas ; his dummy on
his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a
blonde woman in the 4th
row stands on her chair.
She starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your
stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that
way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth
as a human being?"
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work
and in the community and from reaching our full
potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate
not only blondes, but women in general...and all
in the name of
humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to
apologize, and the
blonde screams... "You stay out of this,
mister! I'm talking to that
little idiot sitting on your knee!"
Written by W. Bruce Cameron
For my birthday this year, my wife purchased a week of private lessons
at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was
varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go
ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named
said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing
model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get
They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it
when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's
of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me
the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She
a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to
her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the
aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though
my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I
talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made
it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into
Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it
while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain
have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a
impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club
members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair "monster." Why
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make
longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl.
I can't help it if I was half an hour late; it took me that long just
my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The
word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room
until she sent
Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my
in extreme pain, I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a
good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you, Tanya -- I
triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me any
barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage -- YOU went
school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science
teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like a
music teacher, or social studies?
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I
am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven
hours of the weather channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next
time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift
for a root canal.
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and
waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the
asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded
"yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He
over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for
a cup of
hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give
Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey!
about getting' me a cold glass of Miller Light?" He, too, looked across
the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The
waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed h er to give Jesus
glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the
strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back
straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and
series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and
"Don't touch me! I'm collecting disability."
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their
pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would
mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally
answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something
that happened fifty years ago."