Healing  with Humor   I

    Laughter is good for the heart.  From time to time  new stories and jokes will be added to this site  as a source of good clean  humor.   The stories come from many sources and even then I am not sure where they received them.  Humor becomes public property.   There is no claim to originality. It is from many cultures.  Enjoy and share the fun.

There was once a man walking on the beach when all of a sudden he saw a bottle lying on the ground, he bent down and picked it up, but he saw that it was full of dirt .So he started rubbing it and all of a sudden a genie appeared, and said : Because you freed me I will give you three wishes. The man thought for a few minutes and replied:  Firstly, I want a check for a billion dollars, all of a sudden there is a POOF and there the check is right in front of his nose with his name on it.

       Then he says that he wants the newest make Ferrari, and all of a  sudden POOF right in front of him in bright red is the car of his dreams.

         Then the genie says this is your last wish so the man thinks a second and says I want to be irresistible to women and all of a sudden Poof and the man turns into a..........

a box of chocolates.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand
in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked,

"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

 She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
     She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.  And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.  In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for

      The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.
       "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to  determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging    you to a golf match."  The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had
 never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the   Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus.  We'll   make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!"
        Everyone agreed it was a good idea.  The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
        The day after the match, "Cardinal Nicklaus" reported to the  Vatican to inform the Pope of the results of the match.  "I came in  second, your holiness," said Nicklaus.
        "Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to  Shimon Peres!!??"
        "No," Nicklaus said, "second to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

    This is a story that has made the rounds, but you might have missed it.

Dear Sir:

     I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put quote poor planning, unquote as the cause of the accident. You said in your letter that I should detail it more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
     I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new  six story building.  When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over.. Rather than carry them down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel  by using a pulley  which was fortuntely attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.
     Securing the rope at ground level, I went  up to the roof level, swung the barrel  out and loaded it with bricks. Then I went down to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note block number eleven of the accident report form that I weigh 135 pounds.
     Due to my surprise of being jerked off  the ground so suddenly I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say I proceeded at a rapid  rate  up the side of the building.
     In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down.  This explains the fractured skull and the broken collar bone.
     Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
     Fortuntely by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope inspite of my pain.
     At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground., and the bottom fell out of the barrel.   Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number eleven.   As you might imagine I began a rapid descent  down the side of the building.
     In the vincinity of the third floor  I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for my two factured ankles and  the lacerations of my legs and lower body.
     The encounter with the barrel had slowed me enough to lesson my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
     I am sorry to report,however, that as I lay there on the bricks--in pain, unable to stand,  and watching the empty  barrel  six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind--I let go of the rope.

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had

come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one

scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we
no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and

do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get


God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the
scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this?

Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist

replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in
the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed
himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

     A  Scotsman  walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer.  He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

 Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.  Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000  and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
 The loan officer says,"We are very happy to have had your business, and this   transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
    While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow
The  Scotsman  replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15

     There was a church where the preacher and the song

     leader were not getting along. This began to spill over

     into the worship service.

     One week the preacher preached on commitment, and how
     we should dedicate ourselves to service. The song leader

     then led the song, I Shall Not Be Moved.

     The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how
     we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The song

     leader then led the song, Jesus Paid It All.

     The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and
     how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then

     led the song, I Love To Tell The Story.

     The preacher became very disgusted over the situation,
     and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was

     considering resigning. The song leader then led the

     song, Oh, Why Not Tonight.

     As it came to pass, the preacher resigned and the next
     week informed the church that it was Jesus that led him

     there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The

     song leader then led the song, What A Friend We Have in



 This story is best read aloud  to your spouse  or girlfriend.  It is longer than usual, but it is funny.

Subject:  Male vs. Female

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts;  they have a pretty good time.  A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.  They continue to see  each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
 And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:  "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

 And then there is silence in the car.  To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:  Gosh, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.  Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship;  maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want or isn't sure of.

 And Roger is thinking:   Gosh,  six months.

 And Elaine is thinking:  But, hey, I'm not sure I want this kind of relationship, either.  Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. . . .I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?  Are we heading toward marriage?  Toward children?  Toward a lifetime together?  Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

 And Roger is thinking. .  . . . so that means it was. . . let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's,  which means. . . .lemme check the odometer. . . . .Whoa!  I am way overdue for an oil change here.

 And Elaine is thinking:  He's upset.  I can see on his face.  Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong.  Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment;  maybe he has sensed--even before I sense it--that I was feeling some reservations.  Yes, I bet that's it.   That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

 And Roger is thinking:  And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again.  I don't care what those morons say,  it's still not shifting right.  And they better not try to blame it on t he cold weather this time. What cold weather?   It's  87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a  garbage truck.  I paid those incompetent thieves $600.00.

 And Elaine is thinking:  He's angry. And I don't blame him.  I'd be angry too.   Oh God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

 And Roger is thinking:   They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.  That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.

 And Elaine is thinking:  maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me.  A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl  romantic fantasy.

 And Roger is thinking:  Warranty?   They want a warranty?   I'll give them a warranty.  I'll take their warranty and stick it in their ear.

 "Roger,"  Elaine says aloud.

 "What?" says Roger, startled.

 "Please don't torture yourself like this,'  she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears.

"Maybe I should never have. . . .Oh God, I feel so........."

 (She breaks down, sobbing)

 "What?"  says Roger.

 "I'm such a fool,"  Elaine sobs.  "I mean, I know there's no knight.. I really know that.  Its silly. There's no knight and there's no horse."

 "There's no horse?"  says Roger

 . "You think I'm a fool, don't you?"  Elaine says.

 "No,"  says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

 "It's just that....It's  that I. . . I need more time,"  Elaine says.

 (There is a 15  second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up  with a safe response.  Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

 "Yes,"  he says.

 (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

 "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?"  she says.

 "What  way?  says Roger.

 "That way about time,"  says Elaine

 "Oh," says Roger.  "Yes."

 Elaine turns to face him and gazes into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

 "Thank you, Roger,"  she says.

 "Thank you,"  says Roger.

 Then he takes her home and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved  in a rerun of a a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.  A tiny  voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major  was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure  there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

 The next day Elaine will call her  closest friend, or perhaps two of them,  and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.  In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said,  going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never  reaching any definite conclusion, but never getting bored with it either.

 Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquet ball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say,  "Norm,  did Elaine ever own a horse?"


 An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
  almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in

  the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy

  asked his father, "What is this father?"

  The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
  seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

  While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady,
  limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and

  pressed a button.

  The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room.
  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of

  light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the

  circles light up in the reverse direction.

  The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

  The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

 A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been
given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a
speaking part."

A Jew is sitting at a bar, next to a Chinese man. After a few rounds, the Jew  turns to the Chinese man and says "I don't like Chinese people."

"Ooooh, no like Chinese?" asked the puzzled man.  "Why is that?"

The Jew responded [a little slurred by now], "You guys bombed Pearl
Harbor.  That's why."

"Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not
Chinese,"  came the reply.

And the Jew answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't
matter.   They're all alike."

More time passes. Finally the Chinese man said, "No like Jew."

"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" asked the Jew.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same."

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.  "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "(groan) , okay."

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.  You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."  Ole got up
from his coffee and replies,  (groan) " okay."

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.  You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.  He says to Lena, "(groan), what am I going to do now, Lena?"

Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

Moishe and  Samuel  had not seen each other in many years.  Now they had a

 long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their

 lives. Finally, Moishe invited Samuel to visit him  in his new apartment.

 "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

 "Great.  Where do you live?"

 "Here's the address.  And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment.

Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to
the  elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter!  When you

 reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door.

 Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

 "Good.  But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front
 door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left


 "Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and

came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy. After examining it,

he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died
of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You
were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.

 How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000
Shekels on Goliath'."


According to well informed insiders, the Japanese banking crisis shows

no  signs of amelioration. It's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing

that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank's growth has been stunted

and now it plans to trim back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares

in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank

got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at

Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Even Miso Bank is in hot soup, and an audit of the Tofu Bank is turning
up questions about it's REAL assets.

The only ray of light in all this is the arrival of a new bank rising
out of the ashes of the others.  Its name - Hiroshima Savings - and their

slogan- "we've survived worse than this!".

A primary school teacher asked her class to bring an

example of a religious icon that their church uses. A Jewish boy

smiled because he knew what he would bring, the Catholic girl smiled

because she knew | what she would bring, but the little Baptist boy looked


The next day for show and tell arrived.

The teacher asked the first boy what he brought. He
said, "I am Jewish and I brought the Star of David." The teacher asked

the little girl what she brought. She said, "I'm Catholic, and I

brought a crucifix." Finally she asked the last little boy what he

brought. He said, "I'm Baptist and I brought a casserole."


A Japanese company and a California company decided to have a canoe race on
the Columbia river.  Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak

performance before the race.  On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed.  The
management of the California company decided that the reason for the

crushing defeat had to be found.   A "measurement team" made up of senior

management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese has 8 people rowing and 1 person

steering while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

So, the management of the California company hired a consulting company and
paid them incredible amounts of money.  They advised that too may people

were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again the following year, the rowing
team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering

supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant

superintendent steering manager.  They also implemented a new performance

system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to

work harder.  It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with

meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower.  "We must give the rower

empowerment and enrichment through this quality program.

That year, the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the management of the California company laid off the rower for
poor performance, halted the development of a new canoe, sold the paddles

and cancelled all capital investments for the new equipment.  Then, they

used the money saved by giving  High Performance Awards to the steering

managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the senior


    A man showed up in church with his ears painfully blistered. After

the service, the pastor was curious and concerned and asked,  "What in

the world happened to you?"

    The man answered:  "I was lying on the couch yesterday afternoon

watching a ball game on TV and  my wife was ironing nearby.   I was

totally engrossed in the game  when she left the room, leaving the iron

near the phone.  The phone rang and keeping my eyes glued to the

television, I grabbed the hot iron and put it to my ear."

    "So how did the other ear get burned?"   the pastor asked.

    "Well, I had no more than hung up and the guy called again."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.  After a good

meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to


Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

 "What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there

 are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

 Astrologically, observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce

that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God

is  all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically,I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

 Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

 "Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm

based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both

applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by

the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but

we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions
correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on
the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the

Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I don't know.'
You put down 'Neither do I.'"

                                                   The Healing Site