Laughter is good for the heart. From time to time new stories and jokes will be added to this site as a source of good clean humor. The stories come from many sources and even then I am not sure where they received them. Humor becomes public property. There is no claim to originality. It is from many cultures. Enjoy and share the fun.
Then he says that he wants the newest make Ferrari, and all of a sudden POOF right in front of him in bright red is the car of his dreams.
Then the genie says this is your last wish so the man thinks a second and says I want to be irresistible to women and all of a sudden Poof and the man turns into a..........
a box of chocolates.
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed
This is a story that has made the rounds, but you might have missed it.
I am writing in response to your request
additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting
form, I put quote poor planning, unquote as the cause of the accident.
You said in your letter that I should detail it more fully, and I trust
that the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over.. Rather than carry them down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was fortuntely attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof level, swung the barrel out and loaded it with bricks. Then I went down to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to ensure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note block number eleven of the accident report form that I weigh 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and the broken collar bone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortuntely by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope inspite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground., and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number eleven. As you might imagine I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vincinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for my two factured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel had slowed me enough to lesson my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report,however, that as I lay there on the bricks--in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind--I let go of the rope.
The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've
no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and
do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man.
scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this?
Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist
replied, "Okay, great!"
But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just
I did back in
the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down
himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get
A Scotsman walks into a bank in
New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car
collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's
garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the man returns,
the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says,"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow
The Scotsman replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15
One week the preacher
on commitment, and how
we should dedicate ourselves to service. The song leader
then led the song, I Shall Not Be Moved.
The next Sunday, the
preached on giving and how
we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The song
leader then led the song, Jesus Paid It All.
The next Sunday, the
preached on gossiping and
how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then
led the song, I Love To Tell The Story.
The preacher became very
over the situation,
and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was
considering resigning. The song leader then led the
song, Oh, Why Not Tonight.
As it came to pass, the
resigned and the next
week informed the church that it was Jesus that led him
there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The
song leader then led the song, What A Friend We Have in
This story is best read aloud to your
or girlfriend. It is longer than usual, but it is funny.
Subject: Male vs. Female
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman
Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a
good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and
they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other
and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gosh, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh, six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. . . .I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking. . . . . so that means it was. . . let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means. . . .lemme check the odometer. . . . .Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed--even before I sense it--that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on t he cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck. I paid those incompetent thieves $600.00.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. Oh God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it in their ear.
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this,' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears.
"Maybe I should never have. . . .Oh God, I feel so........."
(She breaks down, sobbing)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight.. I really know that. Its silly. There's no knight and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger
. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No," says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that....It's that I. . . I need more time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way? says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusion, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquet ball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a
They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in
the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy
asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator)
"Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching
an older lady,
limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and
pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady walks between
and into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of
light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the
circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells
mother he has been
given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your
you want a
A Jew is sitting at a bar, next to a Chinese man. After a few rounds, the Jew turns to the Chinese man and says "I don't like Chinese people."
"Ooooh, no like Chinese?" asked the puzzled man. "Why is that?"
The Jew responded [a little slurred by now], "You
Harbor. That's why."
"Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah.
Chinese," came the reply.
And the Jew answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese
matter. They're all alike."
More time passes. Finally the Chinese man said, "No like Jew."
"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" asked the Jew.
"Jews sink Titanic."
"No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same."
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of
coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been
You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "(groan) , okay."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down
their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will
2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the
Ole got up
from his coffee and replies, (groan) " okay."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "(groan), what am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the
way - 'Take a clean dish'".
"I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment.
Park and come around to the front door, kick it open
your foot, go to
the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you
reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door.
Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me... what is all this
of kicking the front
door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
"I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a
of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the
were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.
How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that
Shekels on Goliath'."
THE JAPANESE BANKING CRISIS
According to well informed insiders, the Japanese banking crisis shows
no signs of amelioration. It's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing
that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank's growth has been stunted
and now it plans to trim back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares
in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank
got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at
Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Even Miso Bank is in hot soup, and an audit of the
Bank is turning
up questions about it's REAL assets.
The only ray of light in all this is the arrival of
new bank rising
out of the ashes of the others. Its name - Hiroshima Savings - and their
slogan- "we've survived worse than this!".
The next day for show and tell arrived.
The teacher asked the first boy what he brought. He
said, "I am Jewish and I brought the Star of David." The teacher asked
the little girl what she brought. She said, "I'm Catholic, and I
brought a crucifix." Finally she asked the last little boy what he
brought. He said, "I'm Baptist and I brought a casserole."
A Japanese company and a California company decided
have a canoe race on
the Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
Afterwards, the California team became very
and depressed. The
management of the California company decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be found. A "measurement team" made up of senior
management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was that the Japanese has 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
So, the management of the California company hired a
paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too may people
were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again the
year, the rowing
team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering
supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents, and 1 assistant
superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance
system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to
work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with
meetings, dinners, and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower
empowerment and enrichment through this quality program.
That year, the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the management of the California company
off the rower for
poor performance, halted the development of a new canoe, sold the paddles
and cancelled all capital investments for the new equipment. Then, they
used the money saved by giving High Performance Awards to the steering
managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the senior
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but
we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both
correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decision not on the
answers, but on
the question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be
Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question
5, 'I don't know.'
You put down 'Neither do I.'"