Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a
emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration
the land that he was searching for one.
A year passed, and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai, and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is impressive!"
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai,
him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The
Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly.
Whoosh, Whoosh! went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in 4 small pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is really VERY impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is the gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
All the children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of
nun left a note that read, "Take only one, God is watching."
Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote this note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say good bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
Jake, the rancher, went one day to fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty and the clouds rolled gray and dense,
As he pounded the last staples in and gathered tools to
The temperature had fallen and the snow began to blow.
When he finally reached his pickup, he felt a heavy
from the sound of that ignition, he knew it wouldn't start.
So Jake did what most of us do if we'd have been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head and sent aloft a prayer.
As he turned the key for the last time, he softly
They found him three days later, frozen stiff in that old truck.
Now Jake had been around in life and done his share of
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked -- it look just like Wyomin'.
Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St.
Now, this line, it ain't needed but it helps with rhyme and meter.
So they set and talked a minute or two, or maybe it was
Nobody was keepin' score -- in Heaven time is free.
"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete, "that God
But one time I asked for help, well He, just plain wasn't there.
Does God answer prayers of some,and ignores the prayers of
That don't seem exactly square -- I know all men are brothers.
Or does he randomly reply, without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day, the weather or the season.
Now I ain't trying to act smart, it's just the way I feel,
And I was wonderin', could you tell -- what the heck's the deal?
Peter listened very patiently and when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition, and he said, "So, you're the one!
That day your truck, it wouldn't start, and you sent
prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time, with hundreds of us a trying.
A thousand angels rushed to check the status of your
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard from you in quite a while
And though all prayers are answered, and God ain't got
He didn't recognize your voice, and started a truck in North Dakota.
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed,
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their
school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went
grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love -- which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said,
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But, you'll have to wait 9 months, though.
You got pregnant last night."
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son
in Nebraska. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've
got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't
each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I
to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you
now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in Omaha and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this!" She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until
we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night."
The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"
Some of you may have seen this, but if you have not, I think you
get a chuckle out of it....
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week
and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an
incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280
but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell
down to the ground after
going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again.
"Well, no." says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew over a bit of forest near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto thegreen and stopped within six inches of the hole."
Silence filled the confessional until the Priest sighed and said,
"You missed the putt, didn't you?"
Justin Wilson uses Cajun humor and dialect in his stories. I got a chuckle out of this one.
A Cajun who is borrowed up the hilt is in
need of money and went to Arkansas's rice growing area to
from a friend up there. The only thing he had for
was his bird dog Fido (spelled Phideaux). The
said that no dog was worth 2500 dollars as collateral.
The Cajun said that Fido was no ordinary dog and he would show him what a great dog he was. He took his friend out to a series of ponds and Fido went to one and came back and barked 3 times. They crawled on their bellies like alligators up the bank of the pond and sure enough there were three ducks there.
"That's just luck, "said the friend.
So Fido was sent to another pond and came back and barked ll times. They crawled up the bank on their bellies like alligators and sure enough, there were 11 ducks on the pond.
The friend thinks of a banker who is going to come down and go duck hunting and thinks he can make some money with the dog. So he loans him the money he needs and the Cajun went home. The Cajun did not see the man until the next rice convention.
"How's my dog Fido?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, I had to shoot that dog."
"The banker came down from up north and we went duck hunting. Fido went to the first pond and came back and barked 7 times. We went over there and bam,bam,bam...shot those 7 ducks.
Fido went to a second pond and came back and barked 9 times. We went over there and bam,bam,bam,,,. we shot those nine ducks.
Then Fido went to a third pond and came back with a stick in his mouth hitting me and then the banker. The banker got scared, climbed a tree and insisted that I shoot that dog. So I did."
"Oh, you idiot," said the Cajun, "the dog was just trying to tell you that there were so many ducks you couldn't shake a stick at them."
A man walked into a bar followed by an
He said to the bartender, " I would like to have a beer," and the
ostrich said, "me too." The bartender said, "That
be $2.75" and the man pulled the exact change from his pocket and
gave to the bartender. After several nights of this exact
it was getting late, and the man said, "I think I
have one more drink for the road." The ostrich said,
"me too." The cost was 4.35 and the man pulled the
change from his pocket.
The bartender was curious, having seen this happen night after night, the man always had the exact change. So he said, "I am curious how you always have the exact change in your pocket. How do you do that?"
The man replied, "Well, I was walking along the beach one day and found this bottle that I opened up and a genie came out. She was so grateful for her freedom that she said," you may have two wishes."
" My first wish was that I would always have the exact change, regardless of what I am buying.
If I buy a loaf of bread or a Mercedes, I always have the exact change."
The Bartender replied that it was probably wiser than asking for a million dollars since you could go through that very fast. But what about the ostrich?
"Well, my second wish was that I would always have a long-legged chick for a companion"
A famous rabbi was so wise, so great a
that he could answer any question his students put to him. His
of reason seemed so great that one of his disciples declared,
rabbi can think his way through any dilemma."
"Yes, "said another, "it is true that our beloved rabbi has a mind of unparalleled powers--but I wonder what would happen if he were tired, even a wee bit tipsy. Would his reason still prevail with all its splendour?"
And so the loving but curious students decided to test his genius. At the feast of Succoth they gave him enough wine to make him tipsy, then, while he slept, carried him to the cemetery where they laid him on the grass, and hid behind the tombstones, waiting to see what the rabbi would say when he opened his eyes, and saw where he was.
What he said is a triumph of Talmudic reasoning. "If I am living, then what am I doing here? And if I am dead, why do I want to go to the bathroom?"
A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase.
At Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous
glared at him and snarled "Open the case!"
Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meager belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin.
"What is that" snarled the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvelous life that I am leaving behind."
"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer.
"Shalom, Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"
Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and
came upon the bust. "What is that" said the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?' That is that bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."
"I always knew that you Russian Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got round to unpacking watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table.
"Who is that?" asked his nephew.
"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask 'Who is
that?', You should ask 'What is that?'. That is five kilos of gold"
A notorious miser was called on by the chairman of the community
"Sir," said the fund raiser,"our records show that despite your
you've never once given to our drive."
"Do your records show that I have an elderly mother who was left penniless when my father died? fumed the miser. "Do your records show that I have a disabled brother who is unable to work? Do your records show that I have a widowed sister with small children who can barely make ends meet?"
"No, sir," replied the embarrassed volunteer. "Our records don't show those things."
"Well, I don't give to any of them, so why should I give anything to you?"
One of the better Texas Aggie jokes is
an Aggie who was going up I-35 following a truck when he saw something
fall out. He noted that it moved. So he stopped to see and
it was a little pig. He caught it, put it in the back seat,
sped off the catch the truck. As he was speeding, he was
by a trooper and was about to get a ticket when the Aggie told
what happened. The trooper said that since he was doing a
deed he would not give him a ticket. But you must think that the truck
is long gone, or turned off somewhere and the possibility of
the owner is small. What you should do is this: when you
to College Station, take the pig to the zoo.
said the Aggie.
The next day the trooper was out on I-35 and saw the same car speeding toward Dallas. The trooper stopped him. He recognized the Aggie from the day before and then looked in the back seat and saw the pig. "I thought I told you to take the pig to the zoo." The Aggie replied, "Oh, I did, and we had such a good time that I thought I would take him to Six Flags."