Healing with Humor VIII

 

An ATF officer stops at a ranch in  North Dakota and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there.'

The ATF officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land.  No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the ATF officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified.  The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge!  Show him your badge!!!'


A little boy asked his mother: "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had
children; and so all of mankind was made.' 

Two days later the boy asked his father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys
from which the human race evolved.' 

The confused boy returned to his mother and said, 'Mom,
how is it possible that you told me the human race was
created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'


As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."


 

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."



       Four old retired guys were walking down a street in Wickenburg, Arizona. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar all drinks 10 cents.
      They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
      The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you!
      What'll it be, Gentlemen?
      There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis...Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'
      The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other...They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.       Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please'
      They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

      They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'
      'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own my own bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

      Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
      The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.; One man gestures at the seven men at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
      The bartender says, 'Oh, they're retired farmers from Kansas. They're waiting for happy hour, when drinks are half price.'


The 10 Best Caddy Comments
 
No... 10 Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
    Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
 
No. 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
   Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
 
No. 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
   Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
 
No. 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
   Caddy: "Eventually."
 
No. 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
   Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
 
No. 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction      
 Caddy: "It's not a watch --- it's a compass."
 
No. 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
   Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
 
No. 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
    Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
 
No. 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
   Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
 
...... And the No. 1 best caddy comment:
 
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
   Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.".
 


One day a college professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student
rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this pointless information?"

"To save lives," the professor quickly responded and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again, "So how does physics save lives?"

"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the professor.


Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. 

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton! 

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" 

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. 

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with
an eight iron.


A husband and wife were shopping in their local Wal-Mart.  The husband picks up a case of  Budweiser and puts it in their cart.  "What do you think you're doing?" asks the  wife.  "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replied.   "Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry  on shopping.  
  A  few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20  jar of face cream 
and puts it in their basket.  "What do you think you're doing?" asks the  husband. 
"It's my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful," replied the  wife.  Her husband retorts:  "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the  price."  

On the PA system:  "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down."  


This is  a joke that only men will like.

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his misses was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town. Go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where's mine?"

He said, "Huh, I thought you were out of town."


After the  baptism of his little sister one Sunday morning at church, a young boy cried inconsolably all the way home.  Several times his parents asked him why he was crying, but the boy was unable to talk.  Finally, once they were nearly home, he pulled himself together enough to reply, "the preacher said he wanted us to be brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."
 

One night a torrential rain soaked northwestern   Minnesota, the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.

Helga had been visiting her friend, Lena, when the flood came. They escaped to the roof of Lena's house.

As they were sitting on the roof waiting for help to come, Helga noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard   then float back toward the house.

It kept floating away from the house, then back toward the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floating away from da house, den back again?"

Lena replied, "Oh ya, dats my husband Olaf. I tole dat lazy man he vas gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!"

 

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


Grandpa was reminiscing about the good old days. "When I was a lad, Ma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar bill, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and a half dozen eggs.
You can't do that now! Too dog gone many security cameras!"


A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.  A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.  Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.  At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'  The proctologist fainted.



Dear Diary,
For my 50th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the Club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The Club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress....

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile...Woo Hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air; then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the Club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other Club members. Her
voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** , too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine---which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a Big Mac . The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to throw up.


 A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.  Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip
cookies
. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

ling with Humor  VIII

 

 
Monastery  Life  

A young monk arrives at the  monastery.  He is assigned to helping the other monks in  copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.      
 
 He notices, however, that all of  the monks are copying from copies, not from the  original manuscript.   So, the new monk goes to the  head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a  small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!  In  fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies!  
   
 The head monk, says, 'We have  been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a   good point, my son..' 
 
 He goes down into the dark caves  underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are  held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for  hundreds of years.    Hours go by and nobody sees the  old abbot.  
 
 So, the young monk gets worried  and goes down to look for him.  He sees him banging his head  against the wall and wailing: 'We missed the  R !   We missed the R !  We missed the  R !'   His forehead is all bloody and  bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.  The young monk asks the  old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With A choking voice, the old  abbot replies, 'The word  was...  
 
 CELEB R ATE  !


Catholic Last Rites

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.  

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.  

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE!
Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s

"Mr. Policeman," said the  man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

          B-4 ....  I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54 ... O-72

One day a wolf was walking along, and came upon a rabbit sitting in front of a computer, typing away. The wolf inquired of the rabbit as to what he was doing; the rabbit replied "Typing my dissertation."

"Your what?" said the wolf.

"My dissertation on 'How rabbits eat wolves'," replied the rabbit, somewhat annoyed by the interruption at this point.

The wolf, not surprisingly, expressed some doubt concerning this topic. The rabbit, begrudgingly, offered to demonstrate the main point of his dissertation, suggesting that the wolf follow him into his hole. The wolf (with a wolfish grin, no doubt) agreed, and down the hole they went. Several minutes later the rabbit re-emerged, and returned to typing his dissertation. This series of events was repeated several more times that day, each time a wolf going down the hole with the rabbit, but only the rabbit coming back out again.

Finally, a man walked by, and struck by the unusual sight of a rabbit typing, stopped to ask what he was working on. The rabbit, truly exasperated now, again stated he was trying to finish his dissertation, entitled "How rabbits eat wolves." The man replied, almost as astonished as the wolves earlier in the day, "I assume this is not just a piece of theoretical work?" "Oh no, this is an experimental study. Would you like to see?"

And so down the hole they went. Once inside the rabbit's hole, the man discovered, to his horror, a large pile of wolf bones, and a rather larger lion calmly chewing on the remains of another wolf....

The moral, of course, is that it is not your dissertation topic that matters; rather, it is who your advisor is.


Sven and Ollie

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went
to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Ole answered, "Dress Maker". "I make
the dresses for the nice ladies."

The clerk looked up Dress Maker. Finding it classified as unskilled
labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation.

"Diesel fitter" he replied.

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious.

He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker
was collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained: "Dress Makers are unskilled and diesel fitters
are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I make the dresses for the nice ladies, Sven
holds them up, looks at 'em up and says: "Yah, diesel fitter."


Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."


A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them...."