Healing with Humor  III.

It’s Sunday evening and Rabbi Levy is in deep conversation with his friend.
"I must tell you something, Moshe," he says, "I made nine people very, very happy today."
"A mitzvah, Rabbi, a true mitzvah," says Moshe, "but tell me how did you manage to achieve this?"
"I performed four marriage ceremonies in my synagogue this afternoon," replies Rabbi Levy.
Moshe is puzzled. "I can see how you made eight people happy, Rabbi, but what about the ninth?"
"Do you really believe I did all this for free?" replies Rabbi Levy.

The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.

He says, "Rabbi, the board just voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations.
The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps...

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?
The Jewish mother replies, "I didn't like her."

 Moyshe was a Rabbi well known for his charity and generous nature.
One day during Passover, Moyshe had lunch in the park. While he was sharing his matzo with the park birds, a man who was obviously blind, sat down next to the Rabbi.
The blind man turned and said, "Is someone there?".
The Rabbi replied, "Shalom, my name is Moyshe Slavinsky. I'm the Rabbi for the local shul. Would you like to share some of my lunch?".
The man replied, "My name is Steve Johnson. Yes, that's very kind of you, but I'm not Jewish, Rabbi."
The Rabbi said, "It doesn't matter to me whether or not your Jewish."
With that, the Rabbi handed the man a sheet of matzo. The man took it and was feeling it on both sides.
The man suddenly broke out laughing, turned to the Rabbi and said, "Who writes this stuff?"

Sarah accompanied her husband Yaakov to the doctor's office. After Yaakov's checkup, the doctor called Sarah into his office alone.
He said, "Yaakov is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, he will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think Yaakov will regain his health completely.

On the way home, Yaakov asked Sarah. "What did the doctor say?"
Sarah replied, "You're going to die,".

 Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?"
The first kid says, "a circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

                Doctors are talking:
- You know, a patient whom I treated for an ulcer died yesterday. The autopsy showed he had cancer.
- Well, says the other, I treated a patient for jaundice for an entire month, but the autopsy revealed he was just Chinese

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.  She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha.  I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff 'ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the  table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and  one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to  someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw  Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really  doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot Mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, "You've got a Heart murmur; be  careful.'"

    King Arthur and the Witch:

    Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him his freedom as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
    The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
    He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
    Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high -- the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
    The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
    Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
    He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
    Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

    What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

    Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
    And so it was the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
    The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
    The beauty replied since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
    Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
    Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
    What would YOU do?

    Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
    Upon hearing this, she announced she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

    Now....what is the moral to this story?
    The moral is.....
    If you don't let a woman have her own way....
    Things are going to get ugly