Healing with Humor  V


Dr. Shapiro was an obstetrician/gynecologist for 25 years.  One day, he decided he just couldn't deliver one more baby.    He was just burned-out, so he
decided to completely change professions,  and enrolled in an auto mechanics course to become an auto mechanic.
     After several months he took his final exam and was totally surprised when he made a score of 200 on a test with a possible score of 100.
The instruction explained,  "Well, Dr. Shapiro,  you correctly disassembled  the engine for 50 points, and you correctly reassembled the
engine for another 50 points  and I gave you an extra l00 points for doing it all through the muffler.


    A young man asked  an old rich man how he made his money.   Morris, the old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,  "Well, son,
it was 1932.  The depth of the Great Depression.  I was down to my last nickel.  So I invested that nickel in an apple.  I spent the
entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day I sold the apple for ten cents.    The next morning  I invested those ten cents in two applies.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5.OO p.m. for 20 cents.  I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I  had accumulated the sum
of  $1.60.   Then my wife's uncle Bernie  died and left us two million dollars.



       A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a gam.e  She is about the drive her first ball off the mat when she notices
the man next to her.   "Pardon me, sir"  she said,  "You are aiming in the wrong direction--back towards the golf shopo."
    "Oy!-tanks for dat.  Vitout you, I wouldnt know. I'm blind."
     He then turned around and started hitting out into the range.  After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.
"Not bad,"  she answered.  "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long.  Only a few of them are sliciing."
    "Tanks, again, Miss"  he replied,  "Vitout you telling me, I wouldnt know dese tings."
A few shots laater, he inquired against.  "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion.?"
    "Not at all,"  she replied.
    "I don't go vell vit the ladies.  am I ugly or fett?"
     "You're quite presentable,"  she replied,  "I don't think that should be a problem."
      Smiling now, he exulted,  "Vat a relief.  I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."
     He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him.  "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice."  she asked.
"Vit gladness.  All the help you got I vill take." he answwered
    "Lose the Jewish accept,"  she replied,  "You're Chinese."




       A rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house.  The rabi came across a box he didn't recognize . His wife told him to leave
the box alone. It was personal.    One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him.  He opened the box, and inside he found
3 eggs and $2000.  When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She
told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box....
     He interrupted,  "In twenty years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad."
      His wife continued..... "and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1.



A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow
from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.
 
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they
would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
 
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the
left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
 
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do  . After all he was  very wise.  They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow.  When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"  The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" 
 "Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
 
The Rabbi said, sadly..."My wife is from Minsk."

A blonde replaced all the windows in her house. She had expensive,
double-insulated energy efficient windows put in. Twelve months later she
gets a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for
a year and she has failed to pay for the work done. The blonde replies, "Now
don't try to pull a fast one on me. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean
that I'm automatically stupid. The salesman who sold me those told me that
in one year they would pay for themselves".



Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean=Vegetable.

Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants,  which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is  dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

 If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The  solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll  eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives.   Preservatives make you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that
happen, can you?

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is desserts"



One liner:   "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died,   peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in   her car."




"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was
thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my
training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"



A teacher gave her new fifth grade class an assignment:  have their parents tell them a story with a moral.  The next day the kids came to
class, and one by one,  told their  stories.  Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and we have
hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pick-up and we hit  big bump in the
road. The eggs went flying and broke  all over everything."  "And what is the moral to that story?"
 "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
 "Very good!" said the teacher.
 Then little Lucy raised her hand and said, "We live on  a  farm,too. But  we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once
but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to that  story  is, don't count your chickens before they are
hatched."  "That was a fine example, Lucy.
Johnny, I believe you had  your hand up next."  "Yes Ma'am. My Daddy told me my Aunt Karen was a  flight engineer in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun,  and
a  machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't  break, and  then she landed right in the middle of a hundred
enemy soldiers.She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she  ran out of bullets,  then she killed twenty more with the machete before  the blade broke
off.  Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens!"  said  the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral  to that terrible story?
"Keep away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."



A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded   bus and discovers that she doesn't have correct   change for the fare. The driver tries to be firm
  with her, but she places her hand delicately over   her chest and murmurs, "Oy, If you knew vat I had,   you'd be nicer to me." He caves in and lets her
  ride for free.

  She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle,   but people won't move over for her. She finally   places her hand delicately over her chest and
  murmurs, "Oh, If you know vat I had, you'd be nicer   to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and   lets her down the aisle.

  She gets to the back of the bus where there are   no seats and looks significantly at several people,   none of whom take the hint and get up to offer
  her their seat. Once again she places her hand   delicately over her chest and murmurs, "OY, If you   know vat I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several
  people jump up and insist that she sit down and   ride in comfort.

  A woman who had been watching all this leaned over   and said to her, "I know this is none of my business,   but just what is it that you've got, anyway?"

  The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said,   "Chutzpah!"



A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains and got together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop".
 
One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
 
Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a seven day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear and preach to it.

Seven days later, they got together to discuss the experience.
 
Father O'Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages all over his body, went first.
 
"Wellll," he said in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him
from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water
and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und
confierrmation."
 
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip in his good arm.
 
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL brothers ....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted
NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we come
to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week
in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
 
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a full body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running
in and out of him all over the place.
 
The rabbi looked up and said: "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy creatures."


Mother:   Dr.Gottlieb, I'd like you to evaluate Saul, my 13 year-old son."

Dr. Gottlieb:  He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent
                    rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings,
                    but his prognosis is good for a full recovery.            
                                

Mother:   That's uncanny. How can you say all that
               without even meeting him?                                    

Dr. Gottlieb: You did say he was 13 . . . didn't you ?        



While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk. "Someone stole my wig while I
was having surgery yesterday".

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you
think it was taken here?"

"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."

"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."



A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"




Are YOU a problem thinker?
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself. But I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.   



Theories to Explain Life Around the World

A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas a= t a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.



Two psychiatrists were at a convention.  As they conversed over     a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

       The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy   world.  He believed that an uncle in South America was going to
    die and leave him a fortune.  All day long he waited for a letter   to arrive from an attorney.  He never went out, he never did
    anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter   from this fantasy uncle.  I worked with this man eight years."

        "What was the result?"

        "It was an eight-year struggle.  Every day for eight years, but   I finally cured him.  And then that stupid letter arrived!"



A Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi. The Executive Committee met and none-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let him  go.  Trouble was - who'd want to take him - especially if it got out that  he'd been fired?  So the Executive Committee decided to give him a glowing  letter of recommendation. It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and  even G-d Himself. The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the  Rabbi succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a  major upwardly-mobile  Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with three  junior Rabbis working under him.

 Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new employers  began to  observe some of his imperfections. The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit  angrily called the President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed  this man mostly on the basis of  your recommendation. How could you  possibly compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself, when he  can't string  together a correct sentence in English, when his knowledge  of  Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of everything else, he's a  liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life ?"
 "Simple,"answered his colleague. "Like Shakespeare, he has no  Hebrew or  Jewish knowledge.  Like Moses, he can't speak English, and like G-d Himself  - 'Er is nisht kan mensch (He's not a human being!)."



Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my right knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"

"98!" Johnson announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again.  .  .

Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry.  I mean, just look at you.  You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts?  Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"


Six Jewish gentlemen were playing poker at the Condo Clubhouse when  Meyerwitz
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete the evening of
playing standing up.
 
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Who's going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser, draws the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Gentlemen. 'Discreet!' I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet!
'Discreet' is my middle name... Leave it to me."
 
Goldberg walks over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife
answers, asks what he wants.
 
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home!"

She hollers, "Tell him he should drop dead!"

Goldberg says, "I'll tell him!"


Some theologians were trying to figure out how old Isaac
          was when he was about to be sacrificed. 

          They set a minimum age of 6 because he could tell there
          wasn't a sacrifice and was able to help carry the wood.

          They also set a maximum age of 12, because if he was over
          that, he would have been a teenager, and that wouldn't have
          been a sacrifice.




Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell  you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because
 you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up   my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
 
 The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
 
 "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
 
 "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after   54 years together. What happened?"
 
 "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my   son, and I thought  you should know. I really don't want to get into
 it anymore than this.  You can call your sister and tell her. It will  spare me the pain."
 
 "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
 
 "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't   told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it
 for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an  appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
 
 "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down.  Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
 
 "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off  seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and
 break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
 
 A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells  him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they
 and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.   "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone,
 but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
 
 Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to  his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to
 do next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"


A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her
know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally
sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes
your nose look too long."




 
Ole, the Swede,  wasn't looking where he was going and his grocery cart
collided with another as he turned a corner in WalMart.

Ole says  to the other guy,  "Vhoops!  I'm sorry, but I vas yust
looking  for my vife."

Stranger: "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little
frustrated."

Ole:  "Vell, maybe I can help you.  Vhat does yer vife look
like?"
Stranger: "She's tall, slender, with long, blond hair, blue eyes,
and she's wearing a very tight pink sweater, and a short mini skirt that
shows off  her nice butt and long, slender legs.  What does your wife look like?"

Ole:  "Oh, Never mind, let's yust look go fer yurs!"



A Man goes to see the Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about
it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I'll see
what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
wife.  I spoke to her on the phone for over three hours. You want my
advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi



The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.  The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.  Walking is especially beneficial.  And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take
the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.  Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill,I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated.""And
what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue
Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."




Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment.  But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.  However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill.
On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him.

Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed, ''For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?''
Bill replied, ''I've been in jail.''
''Jail?'' cried Sam. ''You?! What on earth for?''
''Well,'' Bill said, ''you know Sue , that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?''
''Yes,'' said Sam, ''I remember her. What about her?''
''Well, one day she filed rape charges against me.  At age 89,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ''guilty.''

''The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.''