Dr. Shapiro was an obstetrician/gynecologist for 25 years. One
day, he decided he just couldn't deliver one more
baby. He was just burned-out, so he
decided to completely change professions, and enrolled in an auto
mechanics course to become an auto mechanic.
After several months he took his final exam
and was totally surprised when he made a score of 200 on a test with a
possible score of 100.
The instruction explained, "Well, Dr. Shapiro, you
correctly disassembled the engine for 50 points, and you
correctly reassembled the
engine for another 50 points and I gave you an extra l00 points
for doing it all through the muffler.
A young man
asked an old rich man how he made his money. Morris,
the old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son,
it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down
to my last nickel. So I invested that nickel in an apple. I
entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day I sold the
apple for ten cents. The next morning I
invested those ten cents in two applies.
I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5.OO p.m. for 20
cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which
I had accumulated the sum
of $1.60. Then my wife's uncle Bernie died and
left us two million dollars.
A lady golfer visits a driving range to
tone up before a gam.e She is about the drive her first ball off
the mat when she notices
the man next to her. "Pardon me, sir" she said,
"You are aiming in the wrong direction--back towards the golf shopo."
"Oy!-tanks for dat. Vitout you, I wouldnt
know. I'm blind."
He then turned around and started hitting out
into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was
"Not bad," she answered. "Most of your shots are straight
and fairly long. Only a few of them are sliciing."
"Tanks, again, Miss" he replied, "Vitout
you telling me, I wouldnt know dese tings."
A few shots laater, he inquired against. "Do you mind I should
ask a poisonal qvestion.?"
"Not at all," she replied.
"I don't go vell vit the ladies. am I ugly or
"You're quite presentable," she
replied, "I don't think that should be a problem."
Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a
relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."
He was about to hit another ball when the girl
interrupted him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of
advice." she asked.
"Vit gladness. All the help you got I vill take." he answwered
"Lose the Jewish accept," she replied,
A rabbi and his wife were cleaning up
the house. The rabi came across a box he didn't recognize . His
wife told him to leave
the box alone. It was personal. One day she was out
and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and
inside he found
3 eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he
opened the box and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She
told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only
three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued..... "and every time
I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1.
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The
townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow
from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles.
So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk
and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they
would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never
have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When
the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the
left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow
moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi
what to do . After all he was very wise. They told
him the story.
"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves
in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from
the left the cow moves to the right. What do we
do?" The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we
bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly..."My wife is from Minsk."
A blonde replaced all the windows
in her house. She had expensive,
double-insulated energy efficient windows put in. Twelve months later
gets a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been
a year and she has failed to pay for the work done. The blonde replies,
don't try to pull a fast one on me. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean
that I'm automatically stupid. The salesman who sold me those told me
in one year they would pay for themselves".
Chocolate is a Vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are
plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus,
chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which
is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating
it too slowly.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a
hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a
balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That
way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of
calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose.
An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that
happen, can you?
REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is desserts"
One liner: "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother
who died, peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in her car."
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks
in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the
street; he was
thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and
there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all
training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
A teacher gave her new fifth grade class an assignment: have
their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the
kids came to
class, and one by one, told their stories. Kathy
raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and we have
hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to
market on the front seat of the pick-up and we hit big bump in the
road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."
"And what is the moral to that story?"
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good!" said the teacher.
Then little Lucy raised her hand and said, "We live on
a farm,too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs once
but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to
that story is, don't count your chickens before they are
hatched." "That was a fine example, Lucy.
Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next." "Yes Ma'am.
My Daddy told me my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in
Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine
a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of
enemy soldiers.She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until
she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with
the machete before the blade broke
off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your
Daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?
"Keep away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and
discovers that she doesn't have correct change for the fare. The
driver tries to be firm
with her, but she places her hand delicately over her
chest and murmurs, "Oy, If you knew vat I had, you'd be nicer to
me." He caves in and lets her
ride for free.
She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle, but
people won't move over for her. She finally places her hand
delicately over her chest and
murmurs, "Oh, If you know vat I had, you'd be nicer to
me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the
She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats
and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the
hint and get up to offer
her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately
over her chest and murmurs, "OY, If you know vat I had, you'd be
nicer to me." Several
people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in
A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and
said to her, "I know this is none of my business, but just what
is it that you've got, anyway?"
The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "Chutzpah!"
A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains
and got together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to
do a seven day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear and preach to it.
Seven days later, they got together to discuss the experience.
Father O'Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages all over his body, went first.
"Wellll," he said in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods
to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him
from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do
wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water
and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop
is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheel chair, with an arm and
both legs in casts and an I.V. drip in his good arm.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL brothers
....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK! I went out and I
FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY
WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted
NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle.
We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another untill we come
to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus
like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week
in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was in a full body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running
in and out of him all over the place.
The rabbi looked up and said: "Oy! You don't know what tough is until
you try to circumcise one of those hairy creatures."
I'd like you to evaluate Saul, my 13 year-old son."
Dr. Gottlieb: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an
rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings,
but his prognosis is good for a full
Mother: That's uncanny. How can you say all that
without even meeting
Dr. Gottlieb: You did say he was 13 . . . didn't you
While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a
very angry woman stormed up to her desk. "Someone stole my wig while I
was having surgery yesterday".
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no
one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you
think it was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking
"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract
operation was a success."
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to
talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son,
there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream
sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as
the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and
chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato
pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's
suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you
have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and
asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he
like potato pancakes?"
Are YOU a problem thinker?
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and
then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and
soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself. But I knew it
wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally
I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't
mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and
Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What
is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned
off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that
night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One
day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts
me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you
don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This
gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as
college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if
you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry.
I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on
the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass
doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining
your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from
the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a
TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week
it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided
thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just
seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Theories to Explain Life Around the World
A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.
Below are the winners:
4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of
pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite
number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's
great literary works in Braille.
3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your
eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other
people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.
2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical
ideas a= t a faster rate.
1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a
figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in
close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to
spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If
omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks
his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh"
his car and invest in "erl" wells.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap
giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered
cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning
inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a
high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over
a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult
The other replied, "I had a patient who
lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an
uncle in South America was going to
die and leave him a fortune. All day long he
waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never
went out, he never did
anything, he merely sat around and waited for this
fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this
man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year
struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured
him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
A Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi. The Executive Committee
met and none-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let
him go. Trouble was - who'd want to take him - especially
if it got out that he'd been fired? So the Executive
Committee decided to give him a glowing letter of recommendation.
It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself.
The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the Rabbi
succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a major
upwardly-mobile Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original
salary and with three junior Rabbis working under him.
Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new
employers began to observe some of his imperfections. The
President of the Rabbi's new pulpit angrily called the President
of the old Synagogue charging "We employed this man mostly on the
basis of your recommendation. How could you possibly
compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself, when he
can't string together a correct sentence in English, when his
knowledge of Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of
everything else, he's a liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life ?"
"Simple,"answered his colleague. "Like Shakespeare, he has
no Hebrew or Jewish knowledge. Like Moses, he can't
speak English, and like G-d Himself - 'Er is nisht kan mensch
(He's not a human being!)."
Old man Johnson limped into the
doctor's office and said, "Doc, my right knee hurts so bad, I can
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr.
Johnson, just how old are you?"
"98!" Johnson announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. . .
Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you.
You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that
your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it
Six Jewish gentlemen were playing
poker at the Condo Clubhouse when Meyerwitz
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete the
playing standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Who's going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser, draws the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
"Gentlemen. 'Discreet!' I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet!
'Discreet' is my middle name... Leave it to me."
Goldberg walks over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The
answers, asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come
She hollers, "Tell him he should drop dead!"
Goldberg says, "I'll tell him!"
Some theologians were trying to
figure out how old Isaac
was when he was
about to be sacrificed.
They set a
minimum age of 6 because he could tell there
sacrifice and was able to help carry the wood.
They also set a
maximum age of 12, because if he was over
that, he would
have been a teenager, and that wouldn't have
been a sacrifice.
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to
tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling
you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've
made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that
after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're
my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't
want to get into
it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell
her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I
haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've
agonized over it
for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have
an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight
down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold
off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in
break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who
tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and
and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after
tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about
it on the telephone,
but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns
to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we
do next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"
A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current
picture. Too embarrassed to let her
know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends
her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his
grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally
sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he
sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style... it makes
your nose look too long."
Ole, the Swede, wasn't looking where he was going and his grocery
collided with another as he turned a corner in WalMart.
Ole says to the other guy, "Vhoops! I'm sorry, but I
looking for my vife."
Stranger: "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little
Ole: "Vell, maybe I can help you. Vhat does yer vife look
Stranger: "She's tall, slender, with long, blond hair, blue eyes,
and she's wearing a very tight pink sweater, and a short mini skirt that
shows off her nice butt and long, slender legs. What does
your wife look like?"
Ole: "Oh, Never mind, let's yust look go fer yurs!"
A Man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll
what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
wife. I spoke to her on the phone for over three hours. You want
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women
breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the
necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking
is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to
the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the
group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
A businessman on his deathbed
called his friend and said, "Bill,I want you to promise me that when I
die you will have my remains cremated.""And
what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"The
businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the
Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed
the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill
might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill
hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they
ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had
happened to him.
After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill.
On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual
bench waiting for him.
Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed, ''For crying out loud Bill, what
in the world happened to you?''
Bill replied, ''I've been in jail.''
''Jail?'' cried Sam. ''You?! What on earth for?''
''Well,'' Bill said, ''you know Sue , that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?''
''Yes,'' said Sam, ''I remember her. What about her?''
''Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ''guilty.''
''The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.''