One day, a man walks
into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract
wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the
says. That's a ridiculous amount,"
the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well,"
the dentist says,
"if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to
$60." "That's still too expensive,"
the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist.
"If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of
pliers, I could get away with charging $20." "Nope," moans the man,
"it's still too much."
"Hm," says the dentist,
scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the
experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
says the man, "book my wife for next
At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a
Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country
and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and
understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said,
haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean
is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the
intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is,
my wife, she is impregnable!"
Some pastors are given
recommendations like these.
A Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi. The Executive Committee
met and none-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let
him go. Trouble was - who'd want to take him - especially
if it got out that he'd been fired? So the Executive
Committee decided to give him a glowing letter of recommendation.
It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself.
The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the Rabbi
succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a major
upwardly-mobile Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original
salary and with three junior Rabbis working under him.
Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new
employers began to observe some of his imperfections. The
President of the Rabbi's new pulpit angrily called the President
of the old Synagogue charging "We employed this man mostly on the
basis of your recommendation. How could you possibly
compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself, when he
can't string together a correct sentence in English, when his
knowledge of Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of
everything else, he's a liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life ?"
"Simple,"answered his colleague. "Like Shakespeare, he has
no Hebrew or Jewish knowledge. Like Moses, he can't
speak English, and like G-d Himself - 'Er is nisht kan mensch
(He's not a human being!)."
A young preacher was asked by the
local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small
local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several
wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and
its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
sitting to one side, eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault
lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his
tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the
deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen
say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I
ain't never seen anything like that."
One day a novice skier went up a
mountain that any beginner should have avoided. No one would have
blamed her if she stayed behind. At 12 below zero, even Frosty the
Snowman would have opted for a warm fire. Hardly a day for snow skiing,
but her husband insisted. So she went.
While waiting in the lift line, she realized she was in dire need of a
restroom. Assured there was a restroom at the top of the lift, she
endured the bouncy ride, only to find there was no facility. She began
to panic. Her husband had an idea: why not go out into the woods? Since
she was wearing an all white outfit, she'd blend in with the snow.
What choice did she have? She skied past the tree line and arranged her
ski suit at half-mast. Unfortunately, her husband hadn't told her to
remove her skis. Inadvertently, she began sliding backwards across the
slope, without a chance to make herself presentable. With arms flailing
and skis sailing, she sped under the very lift she'd just ridden and
collided with a pylon.
As she scrambled to cover herself, she discovered that her arm was
broken. Fortunately, her husband raced to her rescue. He summoned the
ski patrol, who transported her to the hospital.
While being treated in the emergency room, a man with a broken leg was
carried in and placed next to her. By now she'd regained her composure
enough to make small talk. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked.
"It was the strangest thing you ever saw," he explained. "I was riding
up the ski lift and suddenly there was this crazy woman skiing
backwards, at top speed, with her ski suit down around her knees. I
couldn't believe my eyes, so I leaned over to get a better look. I
guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
The he turned to her and asked, "So, how'd you break your arm?"
Aggie was walking down the street in LA and came upon a travel
agency with a sign on it: "Round Trip to Hawaii,
Wanting to go to Hawaii and having $25.00 he went in, signed up.
They said, "Please Come this way.. He went through a
door, was hit
on the head and when he came to, he was strapped to a big log floating
in the ocean toward Hawaii. After a while, his log bumped into
another log and it was another Aggie. The first said, "this
is not so bad, I hope that they fly us home." The second
Aggie said, "They didn't last year.
At a western university a biology teacher took
another job just two days before classes were to
begin. They had to have someone to fill the
classes and they could not do a national search so they recruited
the ornithology man to teach the course. They told him to follow
the text and make it to
the end of the semester and by then a new prof would be
hired. Since he was a "bird" man more and more of his
lecture got back to the birds.
There was a senior in the class who put off biology
to the last semester. He started to memorize the text,
memorize the notes and he was filled with panic
in taking the course. Students often joke about the
course being for the birds since much of the material related to
The only test was a final and the prof
came in that day with a box, and placed a bird leg on each person's
desk. The question: identify the bird, name its habitat,
etc. The senior who was to graduate fumed. He could not do
this, although he knew the book backwards and forwards.
Finally, in frustration he stomped up to
the desk and started telling the prof he was lousy, boring, and
he would be able to graduate because of this course, and he knew
all the book, but this was a terrible test and he was a terrible
With that he stomped out the door before the shocked
stare of the students. The professor got up and demanded to know
the name of the student.
He pulled his pant leg up and said, "Here, you figure it out."
A Texas rancher bought ten raches and put them
together into one big spread . Someone asked him the name
of his new ranch.
The Texan replied, It's the Circle Q, Rambling Brook, Double Bar,
Broken Circle, Crooked Creek, Golden Horseshoe, Lazy B, Bent
Arrow, Sleepy T, Triple O Ranch.
Wow, in the inquirer replied, "I bet you
have a lot of cattle."
"Nope,", said the Texan
"Why Not?" he asked.
"Not many survive the branding."
In LA there was a funeral
procession with two black hearsts followed by a man
with a big dog, followed by about 35 men
in single file five paces between them. A man on the
sidewalk walked over to the man with the dog while the procession was
going so slow.
He asked the man with the dog about the procession: "Is this a
"Yes," he replied.
"My wife and my mother-in-law"
"How did they die?"
"They were bitten by a dog."
"Is this the dog?"
"Would you mind if I borrow that dog for a couple of weeks?"
"You'll have to get in line."
A notorious miser was called on
by the chairman of the communty charity.
"Sir,: said the fund raiser, "our records show that despite
your weath, you've never once given to our drive."
"Do your records show that I have an elderly mother who was left
penniless when my father died?" fumed the tightwad.
"Do your records show that I have a disabled brother who is unable to
"Do your records show I have a widowed sister with
small children who can barely make ends meet?"
"No, sir," replied the embarrassed volunteer. "Our records
don't show these things."
"Well, I don't give to any of them, so why should I give anything
A Texas Aggie was in a party, and one man was
loud, obnoxious, and told Aggie jokes. After a long time
the Aggie went to him, said, "I am sick and tired of your loud,
obnoxious aggie jokes. Just be quiet so we
can enjoy ourselves. The man did not and continued to
tell Aggie jokes. After a while the man went outside. The
went after him with his razor. The only thing that saved
the man's life was that the Aggie could not find an
An elder man was quite ill and in the
hosptial. His wife was by his side and he said to
her, "You know, sarah, you've
been with me through the good and the bad. Like the
time I lost my job--you were right there by my side.
And then the war came and I enlisted--you became a nurse so you could
be with me. Then I was wounded and you were
there with me, Sarah, right by my side.
Then the Great depression hit and we lost
everything, we had nothing, and you were there.
And now, here I am, sick as a dog and you are, as
always beside me.
You know something, Sarah? "You're bad luck."
went moose hunting in Alaska. They were flown in, landed on a
lake, and left for a week. The plane was to return
the following week. Both of them got a moose, and they wanted to
take them out. The pilot protested, ":we can't do that."
They replied, " the pilot last year let us do it." He
responded, "it is too heavy, we will not make it," but
their reply was that the pilot
let them do it last year.
After arguing for 30 minutes they convinced him to
do it. They tied the moose on the top of the pantoons. The
plane was going
full speed over the water, and it got up, but not too well, and it
became apparent that they would not make it over the mountain.
The plane crashed, but nobody was hurt. After coming to, one
aggie looked around and holloered to the other aggie,
"Where are we?" the other aggie looked around and
hollered back, "I think we are about a 100 yards from where we were
Q: Should I have a baby after
No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When
will my baby move? A: With any luck, right
after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is
morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the
flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy
craving? A: For men to be the ones who
Q: What is the most reliable method to
determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more
often strangers smile at me.Why? A: 'Cause you're
fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months
so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your
Q: What's the difference between
a nine month pregnant woman and a model? A: Nothing (if
the pregnant woman's
husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in
labor? A: Whatever she says divided by
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's
not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she
right? A: Yes, in
same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is
the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after
you find out you're
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in
the delivery room while my wife is in
labor? A: Not unless the word
"alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid
while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes,
Q: Does pregnancy cause
hemorrhoids? A: Pregnancy causes
anything you want
to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is
born with teeth? A: It means that the baby's
want to rethink her plans to nurse.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. when you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again? A. when the kids are in
supermarket a lady was checking out with her groceries with a line
behind her. The clerk asked if she found everything.
At that moment
she happened to think that she had forgotten something, and the clerk
reminded her that they could call and have it brought up
while she was checking out.
She replied, "No, that's ok." But the clerk
insisted. Then she said, "I forgot
tampax." The clerk called on the loud speaker to bring up
a box of tampax. Joe in the back room didn't hear well,
and he thought that the checkout person said,
"Thumbtax." Then he called on the
speaker, "Do you want the kind you put in with your thumb
or with a hammer?"
A woman went to a psychaitrist to find out about her
husband. She said, "he seems to think that he is a
refrigerator. The psychaitrist told her
that it was nothing serious. She told the
psychaitrist that having him think he was a refrigerator was not bad,
but at night when he sleeps with his
mouth open the little light bothered her."
talking about his marriage to his friend, Sven. You know, Sven, I
never knew what happiness was until I got married, then it was too
late. When my wife had a baby the doctor told us that there
was good news and bad news. The good news is that it
was a girl, the bad news
is that it is a Caesrean. I asked the doctor what was
wrong? We hoped it would be Swedish like us.
My wife talks 300 words a minute with
gusts up to 500. When we were married she could pinch an
inch, now she grabs a slab.
once flying on the plane where he was seated next to the window looking
out. He was seated next to a big Texan who was
ugly and mean looking. He was scared of the
Texan. As the plane was in flight, the weather was bumpy
and Ole was getting sicker and
sicker. Meanwhile, the Texas was sleeping. Ole
was looking for a ":heave' sack and couldn't find one and thought
he would run to the restroom, but
before he could get out he heaved all over the Texan.
The Texan began to wake up smelling on that stuff and
Ole tapped him on the
shoulder and asked, "Feel Better Now?"
near Christmas and the 92 yeal old man was looking forward
to see his three sons. When the first arrived, he said, "Merry
Sorry I couldn't buy you a present but I just brought a
snowmobile." The father said that was all
right. The second son came in a few minutes later and said
"Merry Christmas, Dad. Sorry I couldn't buy you something, but I
just got a new car.": The father said he
understood. The third son walked in and said,
"Merry Christmas, Dad. Sorry I did't bring you a present, but I
had big losses at the card table."
The father nodded. "boys," he finally
said, "there is something I want you to know before I leave this
world." Your mother and I were never
"You mean we're..." they gasped in union.
"Yep, you sure are, " the old man said,
"And cheap ones too."
A teen-age boy
was always opening the refrigerator looking inside, then
grumbling, "There's never anything to eat around here."
"Your mother just spent $125.00 at the store,: said his father.
:"There has to be
something to eat. We'll just go over the refrigerator shelf
Now in the crisper section there's a head of lettuce, a bunch of
carrots, some radishes and a piece of cheese. On the next shelf
there's a jar of
mayonnaise, a pint of cream, some milk, a pound of coffee and
half a bottle of soda. On this shelf there's a jar of pears and a
He pulled out the bottom drawer, "Three oranges and four
appless." And the shelves on the door: "Butter,
salad dressing, ketchup, pickles. That's it.
said the father, closing the door. He went back to his chair.
"That was sweet, dear," his wife said. "But I
hope going through the refrigerator didn't make you hungry."
"I hope so too," the father said,
picking up the newspaper and rattling it irritably, "because there's
nothing to eat around here."
An elderly couple pulled into a gas station,
when they had attendants, to buy gas.
The elderly man's wife was hard of hearing.
The driver rolled the window down, and the attendant
said, "May I help you?" Then the wife said to
him, "what did he say?
"He asked if he could help us." Ok, she
said. The attendant returned and said, "May I
check your oil?"
"What did he say? what did he say?
she asked. The husband replied, "He wanted to
know if he can check the oil."
The attendant returned and said it is o.k.
Then the attendant asked, "where are you all from? The driver
replied, "We're from Oregon and we are driving around
sight seeing. The attendant replied, "I hate to
tell you this, but one of the most irritating women I ever met was from
The wife asked in a loud voice, "What DID HE SAY, WHAT DID HE SAY?
In reply, the husband said in a loud voice, HE KNOWS
YOU, HE KNOWS YOU.
was late for school one day. When his teacher asked for an
explanation Johnnie replied, "Well, teacher, it's all on
account of the hole in my
"Now Johnnie," the teacher said, "How
could a hole in your Pa's pajamas make you late for school?"
"It's like this, teacher, something has
been getting into our chicken house and Pa decided he was gonna get it
whether it be
a coon, a fox, or whatever. So when he went to bed last night he
put the loaded shot gun right by his bed where he could grab it
"Sure enough, there was a ruckus in the chicken
house. Pa grabbed his shotgun and headed outside. Just as
he got into the chicken house,
our old dog Butch stuck his cold nose in the hole in Pa's
pajamas. Teacher, we been cleanin' chickens since two o'clock this
Attending a wedding for the
first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today
the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the