Healing with Humor   VI


    Ole  was chatting with his friend, Sven,  about his  prayer life.   Ole  said,  "I used to pray and pray  that  one of
Farmer Jones  chickens would come over into my yard.  But it never, never did.    Then one day I prayed that
I might go over into Farmer Jones yard and fetch one of his chickens,  and the Lord answered my prayer right away.


       A Lutheran pastor in Minnesota  was  always telling  Swedish jokes to his congregation  and all the Swedes
rebelled against the jokes.  So  he told them he would quit.   Next Sunday  before his sermon  he said, "Once upon
a time, a long, long ago,  there were two Hittites,  one was named  Ole  and the other Sven."


 

    Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big‑city church.      "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,"
Joe began.      "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.      "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.          "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.      "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.   "That would be the usher," Charlie explained.     "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.    "Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.   "Pew," Charlie retorted.  
      "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."



One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.  "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"  "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $60."   "That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20."    "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $10."
 
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"


At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."

As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"

 


Some pastors are given recommendations like these.

A Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi. The Executive Committee met and none-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let him  go.  Trouble was - who'd want to take him - especially if it got out that  he'd been fired?  So the Executive Committee decided to give him a glowing  letter of recommendation. It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and  even G-d Himself. The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the  Rabbi succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a  major upwardly-mobile  Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with three  junior Rabbis working under him.

 Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new employers  began to  observe some of his imperfections. The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit  angrily called the President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed  this man mostly on the basis of  your recommendation. How could you  possibly compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself, when he  can't string  together a correct sentence in English, when his knowledge  of  Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of everything else, he's a  liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life ?"
 "Simple,"answered his colleague. "Like Shakespeare, he has no  Hebrew or  Jewish knowledge.  Like Moses, he can't speak English, and like G-d Himself  - 'Er is nisht kan mensch (He's not a human being!)."


A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.  Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were sitting to one side, eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:  "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."


One day a novice skier went up a mountain that any beginner should have avoided. No one would have blamed her if she stayed behind. At 12 below zero, even Frosty the Snowman would have opted for a warm fire. Hardly a day for snow skiing, but her husband insisted. So she went.

While waiting in the lift line, she realized she was in dire need of a restroom. Assured there was a restroom at the top of the lift, she endured the bouncy ride, only to find there was no facility. She began to panic. Her husband had an idea: why not go out into the woods? Since she was wearing an all white outfit, she'd blend in with the snow.

What choice did she have? She skied past the tree line and arranged her ski suit at half-mast. Unfortunately, her husband hadn't told her to remove her skis. Inadvertently, she began sliding backwards across the slope, without a chance to make herself presentable. With arms flailing and skis sailing, she sped under the very lift she'd just ridden and collided with a pylon.

As she scrambled to cover herself, she discovered that her arm was broken. Fortunately, her husband raced to her rescue. He summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to the hospital.

While being treated in the emergency room, a man with a broken leg was carried in and placed next to her. By now she'd regained her composure enough to make small talk. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked.

"It was the strangest thing you ever saw," he explained. "I was riding up the ski lift and suddenly there was this crazy woman skiing backwards, at top speed, with her ski suit down around her knees. I couldn't believe my eyes, so I leaned over to get a better look. I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

The he turned to her and asked, "So, how'd you break your arm?"


    A Texas Aggie  was walking down the street in LA and came upon a travel agency with a sign on it:  "Round Trip to Hawaii,  $25.00. 
Wanting to go to Hawaii and having  $25.00 he went in, signed up. They said,  "Please Come this way..  He went through a door,  was hit
on the head and when he came to, he was strapped to a big log floating in the ocean toward Hawaii.  After a while, his log bumped into
another log and it was another Aggie.  The first said,  "this is not so bad, I hope  that they fly us home."  The second Aggie said,  "They didn't last year.



    At a western university a biology teacher took another job  just  two days before classes were to begin.  They had to have someone to fill the
classes and they could not do a national search so they recruited  the ornithology man to teach the course.  They told him to follow the text and make it to
the end of the semester  and by then a new prof  would be hired.  Since he was a "bird" man  more and more of his lecture got back to the birds.
    There was a senior in the class who put off biology to the last semester.  He started to memorize the text,  memorize the notes and he was filled with panic
in taking the course.   Students often joke about the  course being for the birds since much of the material  related to birds.
     The only test was a final  and the prof came in that day with a box, and placed a bird leg on each person's desk.  The question:  identify the bird, name its habitat,
etc.  The senior who was to graduate fumed.  He could not do this, although he knew the book backwards and forwards.  Finally,  in frustration he stomped up to
the desk and started telling the prof he was lousy,  boring, and he would be able to graduate  because of this course, and he knew all the book, but this was a terrible test and he was a terrible professor.
    With that he stomped out the door before the shocked stare of the students.  The professor got up and demanded to know the name of the student.
He pulled his pant leg up and said,  "Here, you figure it out."



    A Texas rancher  bought ten raches and put them together into one big spread .   Someone asked him the name of his new ranch.
The Texan replied,  It's the Circle Q, Rambling Brook, Double Bar, Broken Circle, Crooked Creek, Golden Horseshoe, Lazy B, Bent
Arrow, Sleepy T, Triple O Ranch.
    Wow,  in the inquirer replied,  "I bet you have a lot of cattle."
    "Nope,",  said the Texan
    "Why Not?" he asked.
    "Not many survive the branding."



    In  LA  there was a funeral procession  with  two black  hearsts followed by a man with a big dog, followed by about 35 men
in single file five paces between them.    A man on the sidewalk walked over to the man with the dog while the procession was going so slow.
He asked the man with the dog about the procession:  "Is this a funeral?" 
 "Yes,"  he replied.  
 "Who died?" 
 "My wife and  my mother-in-law"
"How did they die?"
    "They were bitten by a dog."
   "Is this the dog?"
    "Yes."
  "Would you mind if I borrow that dog for a couple of weeks?"
"You'll have to get in line."


A notorious miser was called on by the chairman of the communty charity.
"Sir,:  said the fund raiser,  "our records show that despite your weath, you've never once given to our drive."
"Do your records show that I have an elderly mother who was left penniless when my father died?" fumed the tightwad.
"Do your records show that I have a disabled brother who is unable to work?"
"Do your records show  I have a widowed  sister with  small children who can barely make ends meet?"
"No, sir,"  replied the embarrassed volunteer.  "Our records don't show these things."
"Well,  I don't give to any of them, so why should I give anything to you."



    A Texas Aggie was in a party,  and one man was loud, obnoxious, and told Aggie jokes. After a long time
the Aggie went to him, said,  "I am sick and tired of your loud, obnoxious aggie jokes.  Just be quiet so we
can  enjoy ourselves.  The  man did not and continued to tell Aggie jokes.   After a while the man went outside. The Aggie
went after him with his razor.   The only thing that saved the man's life was that the Aggie could not find an
electrical outlet.



    An elder man was quite ill and in the hosptial.  His wife was by his side and he said to her,   "You know, sarah, you've
been with me  through the good and the bad.   Like the time I lost my job--you were right there by my side.
And then the war came and I enlisted--you became a nurse so you could be with me.  Then I was wounded and you were
there with me, Sarah,  right by my side.
    Then the Great depression  hit and we lost everything, we had nothing, and you were there.
    And now, here I am, sick as a dog and you are, as always beside me.
    You know something, Sarah?  "You're bad luck."


    Two Aggies went moose hunting in Alaska.  They were flown in, landed on a lake, and left for a week.  The plane was to return
the following week.  Both of them got a moose, and they wanted to take them out.   The pilot protested, ":we can't do that."
They replied, " the pilot last year let us do it."   He responded,  "it is too heavy, we will not make it,"  but their reply was that the pilot
let them do it last year.
    After arguing for 30 minutes they convinced him to do it.  They tied the moose on the top of the pantoons.  The plane was going
full speed over the water, and it got up, but not too well, and it became apparent that they would not make it over the mountain.
The plane crashed, but nobody was hurt.  After coming to, one aggie looked around and holloered to the other aggie,
"Where are we?"    the other aggie looked around and hollered back, "I think we are about a 100 yards from where we were last year."


Q: Should I have a baby after 35?     A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?     A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?     A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?      A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?      A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.Why?       A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
 

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.      A: So what's your question?

 
Q: What's    the difference between a  nine month pregnant woman and a model?        A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?      A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?      A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?      A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?      A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?      A: Yes, pregnancy.
 

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?       A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?       A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?      A. when you see teeth marks.

Q.  Do I have to have a baby shower?      A.  Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?       A.  when the kids are in college.


    In the supermarket a lady was checking out with her groceries with a line behind her.  The clerk asked if she found everything.   At that moment
she happened to think that she had forgotten something, and the clerk reminded her that they could call   and have it brought up while she was checking out.
She replied,  "No, that's ok."  But the  clerk insisted.   Then she said,  "I forgot tampax."   The clerk called on the loud speaker to bring up
a box of tampax.   Joe in the back room didn't hear well, and  he thought that the checkout person  said,  "Thumbtax."   Then he called on the
speaker,  "Do you want the kind you put in with your thumb  or with a  hammer?"



    A woman went to a psychaitrist to find out about her husband.   She said,  "he seems to think that he is a refrigerator.  The psychaitrist told her
that it was nothing serious.   She  told the psychaitrist that having him think he was a refrigerator was not bad, but at night when he sleeps with his
mouth open  the little light bothered her."


    Ole  was talking about his marriage to his friend, Sven.  You know, Sven, I never knew what happiness was until I got married, then it was too
late.   When my wife had a baby the doctor told us that there was good news and  bad news.  The good news  is that it was a girl, the bad news
is that it is a Caesrean.  I asked the doctor what was wrong?  We hoped it would be Swedish like us.
    My  wife talks 300 words a minute with  gusts up to 500.  When we were married  she could pinch an inch, now she grabs a slab.


    Ole was  once flying on the plane where he was seated next to the window looking out.   He was seated  next to  a big Texan who was
 ugly and mean looking.   He was scared of the Texan.   As the plane was in flight, the weather was bumpy and Ole was getting sicker and
sicker.  Meanwhile,  the Texas was sleeping.   Ole was looking for a  ":heave' sack and couldn't find one and thought he would run to the restroom, but
before he could get out  he heaved all over the Texan.   The Texan began to wake up smelling  on that  stuff and Ole  tapped him on the
shoulder and  asked,  "Feel Better Now?"  


    It was near  Christmas  and the 92 yeal old man was looking forward to see his three sons.  When the first arrived, he said, "Merry Christmas, Dad. 
Sorry I couldn't buy you a present but I just brought a snowmobile."    The father said that was all right.   The second son came in a few minutes later and said
"Merry Christmas, Dad.  Sorry I couldn't buy you something, but I just got a new car.":   The father said he understood.   The third son walked in and said,
"Merry Christmas, Dad.  Sorry I did't bring you a present, but I had big losses at the card table."
    The father nodded.  "boys," he finally said,  "there is something I want you to know before I leave this world."  Your mother and I were never
married."
    "You mean we're..."   they gasped in union.
    "Yep, you sure are, "  the old man said,  "And cheap ones too."


    A teen-age boy was always opening the refrigerator looking inside, then grumbling,  "There's never anything to eat around here."
"Your mother just spent $125.00 at the store,:  said his father. :"There has  to be something to eat.   We'll just go over the refrigerator shelf by shelf.
Now in the crisper section there's a head of lettuce, a bunch of carrots, some radishes and a piece of cheese.  On the next shelf there's a jar of
mayonnaise, a pint  of cream, some milk, a pound of coffee and half a bottle of soda.  On this shelf there's a jar of pears and a dozen eggs."
He pulled out the bottom drawer, "Three oranges and four appless."   And  the shelves on the door:  "Butter, salad dressing, ketchup, pickles. That's it.
said the father, closing the door. He went back to his chair.
    "That was sweet, dear," his wife said.  "But I hope  going through the refrigerator didn't make you hungry."
    "I hope so too,"  the father said,  picking up the newspaper and rattling it irritably, "because there's nothing to eat around here."


          An elderly couple pulled into a  gas station,  when they had attendants,  to  buy gas.    The  elderly man's wife was hard of hearing.
The driver  rolled the  window down, and the attendant said,  "May I help you?"    Then the wife said to him,  "what did he say?
"He asked if he could help us."   Ok,  she said.    The attendant returned and said,  "May I check your oil?"
"What did he say?  what did he say?   she asked.    The husband replied,  "He wanted to know if he can check the oil."
The attendant returned and said it is o.k.
Then the attendant asked, "where are you all from?  The driver replied,  "We're from Oregon and we are driving around
sight seeing.   The attendant replied,   "I hate to tell you this, but one of the most irritating women I ever met was from Oregon."
The wife  asked in a loud voice, "What DID HE SAY, WHAT DID HE SAY?
In reply,  the husband said in a loud voice,  HE KNOWS YOU,  HE KNOWS YOU.


    Little Johnnie was late for school one day. When his teacher asked for an explanation  Johnnie replied, "Well, teacher, it's  all on account of the hole in my
Pa's  pajamas.
    "Now Johnnie,"  the teacher said,  "How could a hole  in your Pa's pajamas make you late for school?"
     "It's like this, teacher,  something has been getting into our chicken house and Pa decided he was gonna get it whether it be
a coon, a fox, or whatever. So when  he went to bed last night he put the loaded shot gun right by his bed where he could grab it
mighty fast."
    "Sure enough, there was a ruckus in the chicken house.  Pa grabbed his shotgun and headed outside.  Just as he got into the chicken house,
our old dog Butch  stuck his cold nose  in the hole in Pa's pajamas. Teacher, we been cleanin' chickens since two o'clock this morning."


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"






     

   



    

    


    


    

    


     

    

     

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