Healing with Humor   X

 

 

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch
standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of
airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling
at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength
of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British
engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as
the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control
console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow
shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results
of the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield and begged the U.S. . scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --Defrost the chicken.



A commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’
The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular,
was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end
of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off
the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.


 

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...... and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU? --


A pair of honeymooners checked into theWatergate Hotel in Washington, DC. That night as the husband was about to turn off the lights, his bride asked: “Do you think this room is bugged?
“That was a long time ago, sweetheart,” he reassured her.
“But what if there’s a microphone somewhere? I’d be so embarrassed.”
So the groom searched under tables and behind pictures. Then he turned back the rug. Sure enough there was a funny-looking gizmo in the floor. He took out the screws, got rid of the hardware, and claimed into bed.
The next morning the newlyweds were awakened by a hotel clerk who wanted to know if they had slept well.
“We did,” replied the groom. “Why do you ask?”
“It’s rather unusual,” the clerk answered. “Last night the couple in the room below yours had a chandelier fall on them.”


Ole became famous as a portrait painter. One day an expensive car drove to his house, a beautiful woman got out, came and rang his door bell. When he answered, she asked, “Are you Ole, the famous portrait painter.” He confirmed that he was. She said, “I will give you ten thousand dollars to paint me in the nude.” Ole replied, “I will have to consult my wife about it.” He left for a few minutes, returned, and said, “My wife, Lena, said that it was ok to paint you in the nude, but I will have to keep my boots on so I will have someplace to put my brushes.”


From a husband..............

I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice .

It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the darn thing off.


Morris Schwartz on his deathbed, knows the end is near. With him is his nurse, his wife, daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them... "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says ,
"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been very rich to have all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The schmuck has a paper route!"


 After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
 
 Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists findings of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"
 
 One week later. A local newspaper in Louisiana reported the following:
 "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Carencro, Louisiana, Boudreaux, a self-taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. Boudreaux has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless".
 
 Just makes a person proud to live in Louisiana, don't it?
 

Grandma's home remedies

       "For better digestion I drink beer, in the  case of appetite loss I drink white wine, in the case of low blood pressure I drink red wine, in the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch, and  when I have a cold I drink schnapps"

                                "When do you drink water?"

                                "I've never been that sick!"


An Israeli with a keen Sense of Human Nature caused some unexpected excitement at the United Nations recently. An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred in the United Nations Assembly, giving many in the world community a reason to smile.

A representative from Israel began: ”I wish to preface my remarks by telling you a little know fact about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, What a good opportunity to have a bath!"
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and went to dress, his clothes were missing, and he surmised that a Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped to his feet and shouted furiously,
"What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't even there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we’ve made that abundantly clear, I’ll begin my speech."

The buffalo theory:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed  and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular cutting of the weakest members.

Much the same way,  the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers

 


A guy discovered that he had a flat tire and pulled to the curb. He realized that he had stopped in front of the local mental health sanitarium when a patient ambled up to the fence and began teasing him.

He ignored the patient's catcalls and insults while he carefully took each lug nut off and placed it in the hubcap as he removed the tire. While trying to install the spare, he inadvertently knocked the hubcap, which spilled the lugs and all five nuts fell into the nearby storm sewer, falling beyond his reach.

The patient howled with laughter as the guy, at the end of his patience, began to vent about being stuck there until a tow truck could arrive. The patient told him, "I can help you."

The guy glared at him and said, "Sure you can."

The patient said, "No, really, I can help."

The guy reluctantly asked how. The deranged patient then said, "Take one nut off of the other three tires and put the spare on with three lugs. Then you can safely drive to a garage for the other nuts and get your tire fixed."

The guy thanked him and asked, "How did a guy like you ever think that one up?"

To which the asylum patient replied, "Well, I'm just crazy, not stupid!"



Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone der is to know. yust name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I very old friends, and I can prove it." Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyvon else," Ole says. ''President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Ya sure," Ole says, "I know him." We'll fly out to Washington to see him." Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Ole. "I've known the Pope a long time."

The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Fifteen minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony. By the time Ole returns,  his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,

'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?'


Al,  a road crew supervisor in Minnesota, hired Ole to paint the
yellow line  down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Bemidji. He
was skeptical  about hiring Ole since he didn't have any painting
background. But Ole  appeared enthusiastic and told Al that he really
needed the job. At least  his wife Lena told him so.

He explained to Ole that his work day shift  would be to complete 2
miles of center-line on the road. He was set up with  brushes and paint
and Al got him started. After the first day, the  supervisor was
pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8  hour shift,
instead of the two expected of him. He told Ole that he did  an
excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress.

On  the second day, Ole completed painting just the 2 miles of road
that was  asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the
first day, he  had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say
anything, since 2 miles  of road was the amount that the job required
anyway. He decided to just  accept it, and to look forward to the next
day when he was sure that Ole  would pick up the pace again.

On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed  to learn that in his 8 hour
shift, Ole completed painting only 1 mile of  road.

Ole was called to the supervisor's office and was asked what was  the
problem. "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on  your
second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able  to
complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Ole?"

"Vell," Ole  replied, "I'll tell you vut is da problem, but I tought a
smart man like  you vould figger it out fer yourself. Every day I'm
getting farder and  farder avay from da paint can."


One day Ole and Sven were paging through the Sears Catalog and
admiring all the beautiful models.
Ole said to Sven, "Haf you seen da perdy girls in dis catalog?"

Sven replied, "Ya, Dey sure are bootiful, an yust look at da prices!"

Ole looked wide eyed and said, "Yumpin' yimminy. Dey ain't very
expensive. At dees prices I'm buyin' me vun."

Sven smiled, patted Ole on the back and said, "by golly Ole, if she's
as perdy as she looks in da catalog, I vill get vun too."

Three weeks later Sven came by and asked Ole, "did ja ever git dat
girl you ordered from da Sears Catalog?"

Ole replied, "no, but it von't be long now, her clothes came yesterday!"



     

Three priests were sitting around discussing how things were going at their respective parishes.

The first priest complains of a terrible bat infestation at his church, and it is soon apparent that this is something of an epidemic at all three parishes. After much discussion of all matters clerical, they go home for the night.

After a week or so, they meet again and discuss the bat problem.

Priest-1: I tried to get rid of my bats this week. I shot at them with my shotgun, but I think I damaged the belfry more than the bats! I still have no way of getting rid of them!

Priest-2: I tried another way. I couldn't bring myself to shoot them, after all they are God's creatures, so I went up with a big box. I knocked all the bats into the box with a stick and drove out to the forest where I released them. But they were back at the church before I was!!

Priest-3: I've solved the problem. I did much the same thing. I had all the bats in the box, but before I released them, I baptized and confirmed every one of them, and they have not been back since......